The Embers of Hope

Chapter 28

"Actually, Lu. It's not really a dream."

Paalis na sana ako nang bigla akong habulin ni Dr. Israel. She said she wanted to tell me something more relevant.

"What exactly do you mean? Iyon ang alam at nararamdaman ko kaya akala ko ay in-acknowledge mo na rin 'yon?"

I maintained my stoicism. Knowing anything about my illness is no longer such a big deal for me. That's all there is to it as long as I'm sick. Simply provide me with as much information as you can and let's just deal with it.

"Yes, but no." Napailing ang doktor ko. "I mean, the main reason why you're here, doing this, is for us to know the main root. So, we're testing all the possible reasons. But, you see, schizophrenia is all about becoming immersed in one's own world."

I blinked a few times, and a sudden small grin formed on my lips. "Sinasabi mo bang baliw ako?"

"That's not what I meant, Lu." She licked her lips and sighed. "All I'm saying is that you've become engrossed in your distorted and bizarre false beliefs and perceptions. 'Yong mga nangyari sa buhay mo na naging turning point ng sakit mo ay kabaliktaran sa mga gusto mong paniwalaan. Delusions and hallucinations. Everything in your external and internal reality contradicts each other."

Natigilan ako. Leaning my back against the chair made me focus my stares on her. Mukhang ngayon lang kami magkakaroon ng mas mahaba-mahabang usapan tungkol sa sakit ko. Ganoon na ba talaga kalala?

"You're stuck with something you're afraid or ashamed to concede because of the overall result that happened in your life. Akala mo lang palagi kang nananaginip because your normal behavior and thinking is disrupting. It's like your body is having a shutdown you're not well aware of. Nasanay na ang katawan mo na balik-balikan ang mundong paulit-ulit mong ninanasa, subconsciously."

"But... I'm getting better, right? Bihira na lang mangyari sa akin ang mga sinasabi mo."

It's becoming more hopeless, but as long as I'm alive, I'll keep on trying. Kasi sa totoo lang talaga, gusto ko pa rin namang bumalik sa normal ang lahat. Gusto ko pa ring mamuhay nang payapa. Iyong walang iniindang kahit ano.

"The likelihood of a favorable outcome is increasing. It's a slow process, but everything in that fake world you've created will be wiped out in no time. Simply let us know if you're ready to let go, and we'll do our best to expedite the process if you're willing to start over again. It's been a long time, Lu. Huwag mo na kulungin at parusahan ang sarili mo sa kasalanang hindi mo naman sinadya. Don't get too caught up in it."

"I think I'm now ready, Doc."

Ano pa nga bang hinihintay ko? My sickness has been lingering for far too long. Akala ko umeepkto na ang lahat, gumagaling na ako kasi parang normal na lang din naman ang lahat minsan, pero bigla na lang akong magigising ulit na nasa bingit na naman ako ng kamatayan. My progress is always fluctuating between healing and worsening.

Halatang nagulat doon ang doktor ko pero nginitian ko na lang siya. I even shifted my weight on the chair to improve my comfort. I trust my doctor. Wala dapat akong ikatakot.

"Are you sure? Know that even after obliterating those specific memories, this requires management. It is critical that your emotions are always acknowledged. Ngayon na marami ka nang pinagdaan dahil sa sakit mo, don't be afraid to seek help, even from family and close friends." Pinagsalikop niya ang mga kamay niya sa lamesa. "I can assure you that it will make a significant difference. Huwag mo na sanang hayaang umabot ka pa sa rehab, but I think it would be better. Do you want a recommendation?" She smiled.

"What difference does it make? Rehab is similar to therapy."

Well, that's what I think.

"Oh, Lu! The rehabilitation process entails a number of critical and meticulous procedures. Iyon ay kung gusto mo lang or if it's absolutely necessary. But, you know, I can make some arrangements for you, my dear client."