The Embers of Hope

Chapter 15

Sunod-sunod ang naging pag-agos ng luha ko mula sa malakas na sampal na natamo ko kay Mom. Hindi ko ito inasahan kaya pigil-hininga akong nagtiis na huwag magpakita ng anumang emosyon pero kahit kailan ay hindi iyon palaging nasusunod ng mga mata ko. It was as if my Mom's slap had flipped a switch for my tears to fall. Gayunpaman, nanatili akong kalmado at nakatayong matatag.

"I can't believe you did everything you want in life without seeking our permission! Lu, this isn't you at all! You've transformed into someone we can't control, and I despise it!" Mom tightly closed her eyes as she massaged her temple. Pansin ko kung gaano siya nahihirapan ngayon lalo na't buntis siya. Maya't mayang mapapahawak sa tiyan tapos sa sentido naman.

"Just rest, Mom. You don't need to do this," kalmado kong sabi, handa na sanang umalis nang magsalita ulit siya.

"Perhaps you forgot what you learned in that room. Oras na siguro para manatili ka ulit ng ilang araw doon. Atone for you mistakes and return to us as your old self."

Mabilis akong napatingin kay Mom, namimilog ang mga mata.

"Mom, I'm sick. You should never do anything like that to me again."

"And why not?"

"I..."

"I'm so disappointed, Lu." Kay Dad naman ako tumingin ngayon. He's walking towards me with his deadpan look. Bahagya akong napaatras. "You've always been out for weeks now. Uuwi ka umaga na tapos aalis na naman. Minsan ay amoy alak at lalaki ka pa. Akala mo hindi namin iyon napapansin? We assumed you were too preoccupied with exams, but your dean informed us that you are frequently absent, requesting an explanation or even a letter from us. And what do you expect us to do? Hayaan ka lang? For Christ's sake, Lu! Akala ko ba matalino ka? Bakit mas pinipili mong magpariwara kaysa sa mas maging mabuti? O sadyang ignorante ka lang sa mundong natatamasa mo ngayon? Kaya tingnan mo kung ano na lang ang kinalabasan ng pagkarebelde mo!"

Tumatak ang bawat salitang binitawan ni Dad sa isipan ko, unti-unting winawasak ang puso ko.

"O-Okay..." My voice cracked. I swallowed hard. "I'll be in that room."

I feel so defeated and pathetic. I want to defend myself, but I don't want to let them down any further. Ayokong pati sila ay madamay sa mga kamalian kong nagagawa. Ayokong ipamukha sa kanila ang mga pagkukulang at pagkakamali rin nila sa akin. Mas matatanggap ko pa na sarili ko lang ang sisisihin ko since this is my choice.

"You'll stop communicating with your cousins and friends. Bigyan mo ng importansya ang sarili mo nang hindi nakikisalamuha sa mga taong sinisira ka. I know you're strong enough to stand on your own without the help of others."

"Mom, please. Tatanggapin ko na naman po ang parusa niyo—"

"Parusa?!" Mom scowled. "I can't believe you, Lu! Hindi ka talaga natuto!"

"Ano po ba dapat?" May pait sa binitawan kong tanong habang unti-unti nang natitibag ang pagiging kalmado ko.

"Talaga lang ha, Lu? Sinusubukan mo talaga kami lalo! Well, from now on, you will be homeschooled! Hindi ka lalabas ng bahay! Hindi ka makikisalamuha sa ibang tao! I will immediately set an appointment for your surgery tomorrow!"

Nalaglag ang panga ko.

"Mom, no! Don't do this!" Lumapit ako kay Mom at walang-alinlangang lumuhod. Sa pagyuko ko ay nagsiunahan ulit ang mga luha ko sa pagbagsak. "Just don't confine me to the life I needed to heal from. Don't take away the hope I've been looking for my entire life. Mom, this is just... too much."

"You're the one who's too much, Lu! Not us! We would not have this problem if we were given a son, not a shameful daughter like you! Good to know it's a baby boy now. Baka tuluyan na kitang itakwil kapag naging babae pa."