Read This When I'm Gone

2. Your Uncle

What happened with your uncle wasn't THAT bad. What he did wasn't the most horrible thing a person could do, but it fucked me up in a way. When he did what he did he ripped any chance of that house feeling like my home right out of my hands. You were the only part of that house that felt anything like a home should feel. The moment you walked through the front door and I got to feel your presence, that was the first part of my day when I'd feel comfortable. I hated living like that, but I stayed anyway. I stayed for you.

I hated how you expected me to act like it never happened three weeks after it happened. That's when I started feeling like I couldn't open up to you anymore. Because anytime I'd talk about him and talk about how it's effecting me you'd tell me to move on. I tried to move on, because you wanted me to. But all I did was ignore my feelings and pretend it didn't bother me anymore. When in reality I hated every second your uncle was in that house. I could feel his presence radiating through our bedroom walls. I felt constantly smothered by his existence. I hated him. And that's just the cold, hard truth. I could see him, only for a moment as I passed by his office to go to the bathroom and I'd feel a horrible feeling in my stomach. Just hearing his voice made my skin crawl. I absolutely hated him. I've never truly hated anyone in all my 20 years of life until him.

I hated how he made you cry and how he fought with you. I hated how he could lie to your face (and even to his girlfriend) and not feel any guilt. You loved him so much. You told me that before he hurt you. He was a father figure to you and I hated how he played you the way he did. The day it happened I was scared to tell you about it because I didn't want you to be hurt. But keeping it from you wouldn't have made anything better and telling you didn't make anything better either. There wasn't anything I could've done to have made the situation go away or better. It had happened and I couldn't change it... The one thing I knew was that I had you on my side the entire time, you believed me and that meant so much to me. I'll never forget how you stood up for me, how you fought for me. That showed your love for me so clearly. I love you for protecting me and believing me.

The day I left you, when my mom and brother came and I handed my brother my things to take to the car, I didn't even say goodbye to your uncle. I put on my shoes and stepped outside of the house, leaving that feeling of how unwelcome and unwanted he made me feel right behind that front door. I shut it and walked away. Mixed emotions flooded through me when I sat beside my mom in the passenger seat. I cried, hard. I knew I'd never see our bedroom again or get to see you walk through the front door with that smile on your face that I loved so much. That's what hurt about leaving that house. Because I left you behind inside of it. I lost you entirely that day.