Read This When I'm Gone

21. 4am

Last night you came home at four in the morning. You had texted me at almost midnight saying that you forgot to do some things at work so you won't be home for a while, you told me to go to sleep and not wait up. I decided to believe you. For once I didn't make up a hundred different scenarios in my head. I believed you and fell asleep. I heard you come through the door at four-twenty in the morning. When I saw what time it was my heart sunk. There's no way you had to work over almost four and a half hours. I pretend to still be sleeping as I hear you go into the kitchen and open the fridge. You find the dinner I left for you and put it in the microwave. It takes you a while to come into the room.

"Baby," I hear you whisper once you enter the room.

I ignore you.

"Baby," you say again and placing your hand on my thigh, rubbing it to wake me up.

I stir and look at you. You smile, I don't smile back. You kiss me and hug me, I just lie there.

"I just got done an hour and a half ago." You say with an exhausted voice. I roll my eyes.

I stay quiet. I don't even know what to say. You get back up and go to the kitchen again to check your food. I hear you take it out of the microwave, but you stay in the kitchen. I get up to go to the bathroom and when I pass by I see you  leaning against the counter texting. Who could you be texting at this hour, I thought to myself. He looks at me, but I quickly look away and keep walking to the bathroom. When I pass him again on my way back to the bedroom he's still leaning against the counter, but not looking at his phone.

"What are you doing?" I whisper.

"Just thinking." He says and rubs his forehead as if he's distraught.

I don't reply. He comes up to me and kisses my forehead and wraps his arms around me. I don't unfold my arms from my chest, I don't hug him back.

I shiver and he asks me if I'm cold. I nod and he tells me to get back in bed. He eats his food at his desk, I see him texting again. Who is he talking to?

After he eats up, he takes off his clothes and lies down next me to. He slides his arm under my pillow so I'm laying on his arm, like he always does. He kisses my forehead again. I don't even react. I know he's lying to me. I know he went out. I can smell the alcohol on him.

He starts talking about how he can't understand how he forgot to do the stuff he told me he forgot to do at work. He apologizes for having to work over.

"I don't care." I say to him. "Not much you can do if you have to work." I say, hoping it makes him feel somewhat guilty for lying to me.

He doesn't say much. He only says sorry again. I tell him I don't care.

After a moment of silence I ask, "You didn't do anything else?"

"My coworker brought his boyfriend to work and we went out for a couple drinks." He says.

There it is. That's what he actually did. I'm surprised he actually told me.

"Okay," I say, "Why didn't you tell me that?"

"You were sleeping anyway." He says.

"Yeah, but it's the thought that counts." I say, keeping my tone detached and making it seem like I don't care.

After some more silence I say, "It's better to be honest from the beginning."

"You were sleeping, I couldn't tell you what I was doing." He says.

I don't reply. He never gets it. He never fucking gets it.

We stay quiet now. He turns to his side and holds me. I just lie still. He kisses me a few times before he starts falling asleep.

I can't fall back asleep. I can't stop thinking about it. He came home an hour before I had to get up for work anyway. No use trying to sleep.

I get up when my alarm goes off and get ready for work. Always, every morning before I go to catch the bus, I sit at the edge of the bed until it's time for me to go. He usually wakes up when I sit down, but not this time. He must be exhausted staying out till four am. I don't try to wake him. Instead I unlock my phone and open snapchat (we all know what that is). He has a story so I click on it. Immediately there's loud music and screaming, three girls around him. He's fist pumping and looking so happy. My heart breaks and I shut it off. I get up quickly, grab my purse and leave the apartment. I don't want to look at him anymore. I try not to cry as I walk to the bus stop. It's amazing. He lies to me, then he leaves the evidence right on my phone. Was he thinking he wouldn't tell me and then I'd just find out by seeing that? What also hurts is that he's never had me on there, or any social media. But he can easily throw these girls on there.

I don't even know what to think. I just feel like I need space now more than I've ever felt. Would he even care, though? Would he miss me if I went away? I really can't answer that.