Read This When I'm Gone

18. I'm a Fool for You

How long will I let this go on? How much am I able to take? How long am I going to hurt?

You know, I grew up watching my parents fight, and hate each other. Well, it seemed like it. I can't count the times on even both of my hands that I watched my parents fight, then the next day seemed like they love each other. I remember crying with my mother, telling her she deserves better and needs to walk away. She never did. I could never wrap my head around why she stayed. But now when I'm older and have experienced love, I get it. She stayed because of and for the good times. You let them outweigh the bad. And you don't give up because you don't want to go without those sweet, good times.

Now I'm not comparing my relationship to my parents relationship because it's nowhere close. But I can relate to my mom in that way. And with that I remember telling myself I won't repeat my mothers mistakes. I won't let a man treat me poorly purely because I can't live without him, yet here I am.

I'm not saying he treats me poorly exactly... but I see a lot. I see a lot of things he thinks I don't see. But in reality I'd say I see pretty much everything, and that's where I hurt. He's a very confusing man. He tells me he loves me all the time, sometimes the words come more from his mouth than from my own. He holds me and kisses me and wants to surprise me. He puts thought into things relating me. So it's hard for me to believe that he doesn't love me. But I don't want to fool myself. I don't want to believe a lie.

I've noticed that as more and more time passes and the more I see, the less shit I want to take. Sometimes I feel like just throwing in the towel. But then he comes home and loves me, and I can't let go. Who knew another human being could be such a dangerous thing.

I'd rather be told I'm not wanted than be fooled into thinking I'm permanent. Don't make me feel like it's safe to make your two arms my home when you don't want it.