All I can do is trust you. Trust that no matter who you see or who you speak to, that I've got your heart always securely in my hands. That's all I can honestly do. I can't care as much as I do because it doesn't matter. It's pointless. All it leads to is me being constantly upset, not being able to sleep and being depressed. You don't hear me. Sometimes I feel invisible.
A part of me just cannot find that trust that I desperately want to give you, but sometimes in my heart I honestly feel like you don't deserve it. I feel like you'll just let me down. I don't even think about things you've done in the past, it's the fact that I don't find you incapable of doing what you want and expecting me not to find out. It's everything you do. It constantly has me grabbing onto the edge of my seat, has me feeling like I'm dangling over the edge of a mountain. That if I brush off these things that I see you'll turn around and serve me a huge slap to my face. I don't want to act oblivious because I'm not. I'm not stupid, and I sure as hell am not blind.
This is all so very fucked up. Because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. I am so happy and comfortable with you. But you make me feel like this, time and time again. All I want is someone who doesn't make me question my self worth or my importance to them. I want to live a secure life. I want to feel happy. Not have this on again off again sinking feeling in my chest. Where the tears sit trapped at the bottom of my throat and I feel the pain, but the tears don't show.
I just want to feel safe.
YOU ARE READING
Read This When I'm Gone
Nonfiksi"And when you're sitting on the side of the road crying over what feels like the best god damn thing you ever had - well, at least you had it." Bear with me... This is quite the roller coaster ride, and that roller coaster ride is my relationship.
