Last night you woke me up by planting kisses all over my face and saying the nickname we call each other. You couldn't stop telling me that you love me and would get a little cranky voice and tell me to come closer every time I wasn't laying in your arms. I can't even begin to explain it... The way you make me feel loved and wanted even when I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. The way you make my heart flutter. I can't stop loving you.
I'm not sure what it's like loving me... I know it includes a lot of kisses and closeness. I don't ask for much, nothing material. I ask for time and feelings and closeness. You know exactly what I need and what makes my heart jump with joy. Like how when I come home from work before you do and I see you've laid my favorite cozy clothes on your computer chair (specifically on this spot because you know I like to play games on your computer and watch makeup tutorials while you're at work), plus my favorite soft blanket. And how you know how much I love Fridays. You always hug me and tell me how it's Friday and tonight after I come home for work we'll spend special time together, all night long. How you'll deal with the shower water being a little too hot for you just because I like it when it stings a little. You love me exactly how I need to be loved. And nothing I say or write here can explain that.
I can imagine that loving me can be hard sometimes, too. Like when I shut off, feeling sad and not enough. Like I'm not enough for you and like you'll find someone else you loves you better. I don't really ever show this part of myself to you, but I wonder if you ever notice. How I get weird sometimes when I see you're chatting with a girl friend online or when you talk about other girls. I'm very fifty fifty when it comes to other girls. Either I don't care at all, or I care too much. I let my jealously control my feelings sometimes and it's ugly. I used to show it, but now I just let it boil inside because I hate that part of me. The jealous, selfish part of me. But I can't help it, I really can't. No matter how much I try to suppress it, it just boils over. I want you for myself and don't want any other girls stealing your attention. I don't want any girl to make you laugh, to get to see how your eyes glitter with amusement as you giggle. I want to be the only girl to make you feel that way and see you like that. I'm selfish when it comes to you.
Or how about when I can't make decisions. When you tell me, "You choose what we'll eat for dinner." and every time I reply with a, "I don't know." I can tell that bugs you. But that's another part of me that I can't pretend I don't have or struggle with. It's who I am. That's where my anxiety shows itself most of the time. I just need you to bear with me and be patient. I need that.
I can be hard to love at times. I can't imagine anyone ever being easy to love all the time, but no matter how I act or feel, you love me. And that's what makes me love you that much more.
YOU ARE READING
Read This When I'm Gone
Non-Fiction"And when you're sitting on the side of the road crying over what feels like the best god damn thing you ever had - well, at least you had it." Bear with me... This is quite the roller coaster ride, and that roller coaster ride is my relationship.
