How much more can I take?
If I didn't love you so god damn much I would have left a long time ago. That's the only thing keeping me here, that I love you and can't live without you. My heart stops when I try to picture a life without you in it. I can't even picture it. I want to try to be strong and think that I'd be okay without you, but my heart almost beating out of my chest at the thought of being without you tells me otherwise. We've never been perfect. Nowhere near it. But it always works out somehow. No matter how bad it was and how bad it felt. We always found our way back to each other.
Sometimes I think about how you don't really laugh at my jokes or seem interested when I'm talking to you. Or how weird you get when I talk about babies or marriage. How we've been in the same spot in our relationship for a year or so now. I wonder if my life will always be like this. Nothing ever happens, nothing ever changes. I'm always hoping one day you'll wake up and want more than this. What scares me is wondering how long it will take for that to happen. Or if it'll ever happen. I want to be held and wanted. I want to be looked at and for you to think, "Oh my god, I can't live without this person." and never let me go. Sometimes I feel that you feel that way. And other times I feel like you wouldn't care if i wasn't here.
My friends wonder how I do it.
How I don't say much, I don't argue. All I ask is that you communicate with me. I tell my friends sometimes what you do and say. They always say, "I don't know how you could bite your tongue. I sure wouldn't have."
That's the thing. I don't yell, I don't fight, I rarely every say anything when you do something that sends a stabbing pain to my heart. Yet I still get treated like crap. And those times I feel like I need to talk about something that made me upset I always end up the bad guy. I'm overreacting. I'm being dramatic. I'm making it worse by bringing it up. I'm the one that's mad and yelling. I'm always the bad guy.
I told myself the last time I told you that I wouldn't be able to do this anymore if things didn't change that I am going to stop being quiet about things that hurt me. To stop being quiet about things I shouldn't be quiet about. I shouldn't be scared to argue. But deep down I always am. I always think you're not going to want to be with me anymore if I open my mouth too much. That's why I don't say much. Not because I'm mature and stronger than my friends. But because I'm afraid of being left.
My friends also probably wonder why I'm still with you. I want to be with you that's why I haven't left. I scare myself, though. It's almost as if I'm waiting for him to really hurt me. To ruin me and then I have to leave. That's what happened at his uncles place. I often think we've been together 5 years. What's the difference between now and later? It'll hurt the same.
YOU ARE READING
Read This When I'm Gone
Non-Fiction"And when you're sitting on the side of the road crying over what feels like the best god damn thing you ever had - well, at least you had it." Bear with me... This is quite the roller coaster ride, and that roller coaster ride is my relationship.
