I've been wondering lately why love is even a thing. Why does it exist? Loving someone just leaves you vulnerable and sensitive to everything they say and do. Although it can make you feel like you're floating on clouds, it can also make you feel like you're falling from them, one hundred miles per hour, feeling like your stomach is in your throat and your heart is on its way to combustion... until you die.
This all might sound dramatic, but I like to believe that anyone who's ever loved anyone would understand me. Love can make you feel so fucking awful that it feels like your heart is trying to escape the walls of your body. It feels so bad that it doesn't want to stay there any more.
I've felt pain from love so bad that I actually felt like my life was ending. And at those times I almost wish it had. I've hurt so bad because of love that I've fallen to my knees and begged someone to stay with me. I've stayed with someone because I was sick for their love. Love brings out the most beautiful and ugliest sides of me. It makes me suffer, yet it makes me bloom like a flower at the peek of spring.
Love, no matter who it's with, ends up disappointing you at some point. I love my sister yet she's let me down and made me sad time and time again. I loved my grandma yet she abandoned me and left me homeless when I actually needed her the most and was hurting a lot. I loved my dad despite that he abused my family in several different ways. This all sounds brutal and depressing, but that's my life. I choose to let my guard down and love someone, no matter who it is, and they hurt me. Up until now I've always been so open to love and I would let anyone in. Nowadays I wouldn't recognize that side of me. I won't even let my boyfriend of 4 years in, not even my own mother.
All the people I still love and still have in my life have hurt me. What makes a human being choose to stay with the people that hurt you? Sometimes I feel like a moth to a flame. My attachment to these people make it impossible for me to forget about them and leave them. I don't want to live or love without them.
Even though loving and hurting is a part of life I just want someone to love me even though I can sometimes be an unlovable mess. And I want them to stay regardless of how I feel at times. I want them to stay with me through happy and good times. Even if it all gets really fucking tough, I want them to stay and tell me, "Nothing will make me be apart from you."
I feel like I'll always be searching for that missing piece.
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Read This When I'm Gone
Non-Fiction"And when you're sitting on the side of the road crying over what feels like the best god damn thing you ever had - well, at least you had it." Bear with me... This is quite the roller coaster ride, and that roller coaster ride is my relationship.
