"What's fine? You held it in for so long and I know you're silently crying"
"When you feel like this again, please . . . Don't leave yourself for too long. You're destroying yourself. And I can't bear to see you breaking"
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{ Song: Louder Than Bombs - BTS }
☆彡
"*Welcome back, Jana."
"*I don't know if I should be happy about that, no offense." Jana said with a small smile on her face and closed the door behind her after entering the oh so familiar brown colored room.
"*None taken," The doctor smiled. "*Have a seat."
Jana sat on one of the brown, leather chairs in front of the doctor's desk. She didn't think she would have to go there again. After all, she was fine. Or so she thought. Her psychiatrist was a nice lady in her mid thirties who went by Dr. Dina. She had a soft, reassuring smile and warm blue eyes. Her navy hijab was neatly wrapped around her head, accentuating her fair, round face and complementing the rest of her formal outfit.
"*So, what's troubling you?"
Jana sighed and started fiddling with the chains that were attached to her black pants, her gaze set on the papers that were placed at the edge of the desk. "*I don't know, I suddenly don't want to eat as much. I want to lose weight. I'm overworking myself again and I don't know why this is all happening again."
"*Well," The doctor leaned forward and crossed her arms over the desk. "*For us to solve the problem, we need to decipher the origin. Do you know what could have triggered it?"
"*I was talking with my friend one day. He mentioned that he starved himself for a few days and overworked himself. But I don't know why that could trigger it, it was not the first time I heard those words."
"*Let's remember that this is not just a weight loss or food related issue. Your eating disorder is derived from stress and your own image about yourself. So look back to the days before that conversation with your friend. Were there any stressful factors?"
Jana lifted her head to look back at her doctor. She tried going back down the memory lane. She recalled the dance competition and how they were all stressed to perform well. And the chemistry tests that she was so close to failing. And the sudden realization that her friends might be suffering in silence when she had that encounter with Jimin. But above all, the thoughts that were overtaking her mind revolved around her own inability to achieve anything.
She never thought she was good enough at whatever she did. When she danced, she looked at the small mistakes she did and could only feel frustration. When she studied, she often stared at the problem sheets and thought that she wouldn't be able to solve them. I'm not that smart, She'd repeat to herself. I'm not that good of a dancer, we'll lose if I don't do this right. My friends need me and I'm not there for them because I'm busy crying over something that's not supposed to be an issue. Why am I so dumb at everything?. And so, she told everything to the psychiatrist. Her unsettling thoughts, the past events that occurred, and everything that concerned her and added to her stress load.
