Escaping you |EDITING|

28-Everette: The note.

Escaping you
1 Month later
Tw:suicide/ mentions of suicide/ abuse
10:34 pm
10/7-21

I don't really know what I'm doing,
That sounds weird, but it's the truth.
See, I've wanted to die for a very long time, I don't think there was ever a time in my life where I didn't, and that hurts. It hurts because I know that I'm needed here, people need me. My sister needs me, maybe more than anyone, and my friends need me, Atlas needs me, I think. This isn't a suicide note or anything, don't worry. I just don't know what else to do. Talking doesn't feel right, because I don't have anyone to talk to. I mean, I do, I have Atlas and I have so many other people I could call, but tainting them with the worry of me leaving them, it's something I'd never do. It would pain me to go, to kill myself. I would miss out on so many things.
I wouldn't see Athena grow up. I wouldn't be able to Marry Atlas or have kids of our own, I wouldn't be able to watch my friends find the happiness they deserve.. There are so many reasons why I shouldn't go, and yet it isn't enough.

It isn't enough to keep the thought from banging inside my mind, telling me, begging for me to let go.
It's a part of my mind I can't escape. I can't outrun it, it'll always catch up to me. It terrifies me, this person I'm becoming, the person I am. The person, who's barely a person at all. Nothing makes me happy, not anymore. Not even Atlas, who I know tries her absolute best. She's so beautiful, she's everything to me, I could write an entire book on that. My love for her is insane, it's intense, it's even scary sometimes. And leaving her, it would destroy me, but I have already completely destroyed myself and it would be so much easier if I could leave.

Maybe I'll give in, I haven't fully decided yet. I just keep spinning. The cigarette smoke rolls out of my mouth, the soft, comforting sound of raindrops patter outside of the window, Atlas's breathing steady as she sleeps behind me, and yet none of it feels real. It all feels like a dream, a nightmare, even, because all of it's good.

There is good in my life now, an overwhelming amount of it, and yet I'd still erase all of it. I'd end it. That feels so selfish. Anyone I'd ask would tell me differently, if they cared anyways, but it still feels selfish. It feels selfish that I'd end my own suffering just to give others a lifetime of it. It scares me, too. A lot of things scare me, terrify me, but this one hurts the most.

My life was hell, for a really long time, and it makes sense for me to want it be over, it makes sense for me to want to die. It's suffocating, trying to live a life that you never wished you had. I hate everything about myself, I hate the way that I act, the way that I talk, the way that I look, the things I do.

It shouldn't be so difficult, to simply just exist. And you see, whenever you try to kill yourself, the way people view you, it changes, their perception of you is skewed and it's like all they can see is a kid, a really broken kid who has no idea what he's doing, been there, done that. That's another fear that I have, people seeing me differently.

Everyone always says "you're not alone." I know that I'm not. I'm not the only person in the world who wants to die, I understand that. I'm not the only person in the world who was abused, I understand that too. But really, that doesn't matter now.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on, really, is the entire point of this note. I said it's not a suicide note, and it isn't, but is a warning. Maybe that's selfish of me too, but I don't really care, I can't bring myself to.

I hope anyone who sees this is doing okay, i hope you're doing better than me.

My heart keeps racing, my mind does too, with countless, endless thoughts of what the world would be like without me in it, wether it'd be better or worse, wether people would really even care.

I'm hurting. So badly. It's an invisible pain, one most people don't notice, but one that tears me apart, day in and day out. I've tried getting help, I started seeing a therapist, I started doing everything right, and I still don't feel any better, so I don't know what to do at this point.

I hope one day it won't feel this way, I hope I make it to that day.

I don't know what else to say and my hand fucking hurts.

So goodnight, I guess.

———————————-

So. It's suicide prevention month. Woah. That's heavy, for a lot of reasons.

This chapter is diffrent from my others in lots of ways but I felt as if though it was important because it is important. I've been writing this chapter since before I even wrote the book, it's what inspired it. My life has been very dark for a very long time, before and during writing this book, even currently, and so although it contradicts what I wrote,

Understanding that you aren't alone does matter. You aren't alone, you never have been.

I struggle everyday, as do many of you, and that's okay. The most important thing is that we stay alive.

Suicide prevention hotline; 800-273-8255

Someone is always here, I'm always here.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

Stay alive. It's worth it, I promise.