Escaping you |EDITING|

35-Atlas

                             Escaping you

I'm getting weaker.  I can feel it. 

Anybody with my condition would tell I'm crazy because that's not how it works.  This condition is sudden and doesn't always affect your daily life.  The mental state I am in though, that does affect my daily life. 

Everyday it's like I can feel myself growing closer and closer to the day that I die, and the way I've accepted it,  it terrifies me.   

I wouldn't say that I want to die, because I don't, but I am ready for it.  I think I have been for a long time.  Killing myself would be to much commitment, would take to much time I don't have, it's why I never did it. 

I liked having a chance to get better.  But now that the chance has disappeared, I've come to terms with it.  I've grown to accept the fact that I won't be here forever, and that trying to "make the most of it" is a waste of energy. 

I plan on living the rest of my life the same way I have always lived my life. That's how it works, how it's going to work.

Not a single person can change the fact that I am indeed dying, therefore no one can change my mind about being okay with it, except maybe one. 

I feel so guilty for the fact I have to leave him. He doesn't deserve that, he doesn't deserve to have to watch the person he loves dies. He'll be left with nothing else, and I simply can not do anything about it. 

I want to change it, but I don't even know how I could.  Even if I were to be able to go back in time, I'd still be diagnosed, I wouldn't be able to stop it.

The only way I could truly change it is if I had never met him, and despite how selfish this may make me seem, I would never be able to change that. I wouldn't have the heart. He saved me.  And I think maybe in a way I saved him too, from all the abuse he endured and all the trauma I did, I think we are each others reason we are still alive.

I just wish I didn't have to die and leave him alone, because that is the last thing I want. I want him to be happy, even if that's without me, but I know Everette, and I know how hard that will be for him.

He's doing everything he can, but it's hard, and there isn't really much he can do anyways. He supports me, and that's enough.

The rest of my family has kind of faded out of my life, the exception being Paige, who is struggling enough as it is. My mother and father, they care about me, but they know I'm dying, and I think having to watch me die to the same thing that killed their son is taking a toll on them.

They don't speak to me unless they have to when I go home, they avoid my gaze as if looking me in the eye will be what kills me, and they avoid my touch like I have the plague. I don't remember the last time my parents hugged me.

Zach hasn't contacted any of us, I think he just wants to forget we are his family, and I can't really say I blame him, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

Leah still loves me and she still cares, and I still love her and I still care, but we drifted naturally, we grew apart, our lives fixed themselves differently, and like dying, I've grown to accept that too.

Everette is really the only person I still have.

I was really the only person Everette ever had.

And now we will both lose each other, not because we fell out of love or because it didn't work out,

But because one of us has to die.

It's quite a tragic story really, the love we have.

It's formed on trauma bonds and co dependency, unhealthy habits and unnecessary attachments, But it's our love nonetheless, and there's little to nothing I would change about it.

Sometimes I hate my mind, and my soul, the way it leaves so much open for interpretation, the way I think too much, oftentimes give too much, but the pieces of me i've given to Everette make me grateful for who I am, and somewhat make me fall in love with what I myself have to offer.

Even more so, the pieces of himself in which he has given to me, those make me fall in love with him a thousand times over. Every time I look at him it's like the first.

Every time he kisses me, it feels like seeing stars all over. I don't want that feeling to have to end, and the saddest part is that I know that it does, sooner rather than later.

I've tried to distance myself from him in order to prepare him and even me for it, but it doesn't work. I couldn't stay away from him even if I wanted to, he always pulls me back in with the same words he says, and for once somebody means them, it's to hard to walk away from.

I tried to talk to him, tried to tell him I know it's gonna end and so does he, he just shuts down the idea as a whole, which in turn causes him to shut down, and I can't handle when he shuts down.

He gets upset and he gets angry, and because I know it's my fault, it just makes me feel miserable and guilty.

It isn't his fault, because I know that me dying will be harder on him than probably anybody, and he will have no choice but to keep going anyway.

He has a sister to take care of, a daughter at that. He can't leave her here, and he knows it. He knows he's going to have to let me go.

And I know I'm going to have to let him go- and I dread that day more than I have ever dreaded a day in my almost 18 years of living.

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A/n:

It's been almost a month since I've updated and I'm legitimately so sorry, A lot has been going on, schools getting harder, I lost my sister, it's been a whirlwind.

But anyways I hope this absolutely beautiful chapter makes up for it because it took me so long to write and it is my favorite chapter I've ever written. I know I say that every other chapter but Wtv.

No dialogue, just thoughts. Most of them actually being mine and not Atlas's but let's not talk about it. I enjoy writing chapters like this because they're so much more meaningful to me, this book doesn't have too many but I might write more because of how much I genuinely enjoyed writing this chapter. I planned on it being way longer but shit happens.

Anyways, until next time .

Chapters remaining; 5+ epilouge 1&2