Escaping you |EDITING|

29-Everette

Escaping you
A few days later

I despise therapist offices. They always look the same, plainly decorated, beige paint, posters about mental health hung on the walls.

I sit in one now, mainly because Atlas begged me to go, she knows I'm not doing so well. My therapist, Dr. Craig phelps, sits silently in front of me, his eyes staring daggers into my own, it's like he's trying to see my soul from here.

It's weird. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against shrinks, I'm sure they help a lot of people, I'm just not one of those people. Therapist are just normal people with fancy medical licenses, they can't give me any advice that I'll actually soak in, it wouldn't even matter if they could.

"So, Everette, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"It's been a while since I last saw you."

I nod. I saw dr. Phelps whenever I was in my freshman year, after the whole, hanging myself incident. It makes for a very interesting conversation now. I stopped coming to his sessions in my sophomore year because they weren't helping and I was stubborn and it was easier than to keep going.

When Atlas suggested a therapist, I wasn't completely against the idea, although I'm starting to re think that now. We never revisited the subject until the other night, I think I really realized I needed help and figured, "hell, let's give it a shot."

So, here I am. Back in the same office, across from the same person I sat across from 2 weeks after I tried to kill myself. How lovely.

"Everette you have to be honest with me for either of us to get anywhere. If I ask you how you're doing, and the only thing you tell me is that you're doing 'fine' prevents me from being able to help you." Craig says, his tone firm, calm.

"You wouldn't be able to help me either way, so why even bother with the gory details."

"Well you never know unless you try." He says, a small smile on his lips.

"I have tried. It won't work."

He tried again to reason with me, but I shut him down.

Ah, if this doesn't feel like freshman year all over again.

"Okay. Everette. If you aren't willing to even try to help me help you, why are you here? You are wasting not only your time but mine as well, and I have other patients to see. Why are you here if you don't want help?"

I sigh. "Of course I want help. I just know how this goes. I'm here because someone I care about wants me here, if you want it honestly. And if you want to know how I'm doing, I'm doing horribly. I feel like hell."

He jots something down in his notepad in front of him before looking up at me. He pushes his glasses up with his hands.

"Why do you feel like hell?"

"How am I supposed to know that, Isn't that your job? I have no idea why I feel like hell, I just do. My mind hurts, and my heart hurts, and my soul is tired. I don't know how to solve that, and I definitely don't have an explanation as to why I feel the way I do."

He nods and writes something else down, the silence in the room becoming deafening.

"I have an exercise for you to do, can you do that?" He asks and I nod

"I want you to say everything that you want to say, right here, right now, but stay on topic, talk about you, not about anybody else. You can say anything you want, and you don't have to say anything you don't want to. Think about what you're feeling and what you can tell me about it, and then just say whatever you want."

"Okay." I say and he nods for me to go on

"I don't really know what to say. Everyday feels like an endless loop of suffering. It sometimes feels like I'm watching my body go through life while my soul, my actual present mind is off somewhere else."

I pause, catching my breath and wiping a loose tear off my face. I don't even know why I'm crying.

I hate fucking crying.

He nods again, indicating he isn't going to respond until I finish.

"I'm not happy, and honestly, if you want the absolute truth from me, I don't feel that much differently from when I was here 4 years ago. I mean, I do, because now I don't think I'd ever actually end my life, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it."

Craig looks concerned for a split second before he puts on his emotionless face again. See I don't get that. Shrinks are no different from us. We all walk around with a mask on, covering our pain, they walk around with a mask on to help others cover theirs. They could be in just as much pain as I am. They're all about showing our pain and not hiding it and yet if they were to ever be vulnerable with a patient, even just slightly showed the patient they cared, they'd be considered bad at their jobs.

It's such flawed logic in my opinion.

"How often do you think about ending your life?"

I shrug.

"I don't know, pretty much everyday, I guess."

The clock behind him ticks to 11:00 and I smile, knowing this session is over.

"Everette, although we're out of time, this is something we will have to revisit, next week at 10:00, yes?" I nod in conformation and walk out of his office and down the building floors to my car.

The drive home is about 30 minutes, which is hardly anything, but whenever you're me, it feels like a lifetime.

I hate driving alone, I always have. I do it, oftentimes than not, but I hate it. It gives me too much time to think.

When I finally get home, I go upstairs and take a shower, the hot water hitting my skin more peaceful than anything I've felt in a long time. I close my eyes and lean my head back, reveling in the burning sensation on my skin, in my bones.

I wash my hair and my body before stepping out of the shower and getting dressed, my skin red from the water.

I walk down the hall into Atlas and Leah's room where Atlas is still sleeping, Leah is gone to volleyball. I smile at Atlas and climb into her bed, she stirs slightly before waking up.

"Hi love." I say and she hums

"How was therapy?" She asks tiredly and I smile

"It was okay, it'll get better, I think." I say and she nods, closing her eyes again and I wrap my arms around her waist, closing my eyes as well and letting myself fall asleep.

Maybe things will get better, maybe.

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Hi! So I think I'm going to add songs to future chapters simply because I like doing it and it makes reading the chapters more entertaining, at-least to me.

So, your thoughts on this chapter?

I really liked this chapter, I'm very happy with it which is rare, but uhh yeah. I've been on break from school since Thursday so I've been more active, but I will probably not get chapters out as often because things are getting more intense at school work wise.

:(. But I will still update as much as possible, I promise!