outcast || dreamnotfound ||

new years, and maybe new beginnings

"10!"

"9!"

"8!"

we're at a new years party in l'manburg. the clock is just about to strike twelve. i'm holding sapnap's hand. theres so many people.

i feel sapnap's hand grasp mine.

"5!!"

"4!!!"

sapnap looks at me and smiles.

"3!!!"

its so loud. i put my hands over my ears, it muffles the sound just a bit.

"2!!!"

"1!!!"

all of a sudden, boosts of color shoot out into the sky.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"

a few couples are kissing next to us. i wish i could do that, with, with sapnap.

sapnap shuffles my body to face him. he grasps my cheeks. holy shit. what is he doing.

he puts his forehead on mine and stares into my eyes. he's. he's so. handsome.

holy shit he's so hot.

"happy new year." he smiles.

"h — happy new year." my face is red, so is his.

i poke his cheeks.

"hehe. stopp." he laughs.

"nuh uh." i smile.

why can't i just kiss him already.

these feelings are more real then i thought they were.

i wonder if sapnap feels the same way. what if he's felt the same way all this time? what if.. what if... what if i've just been ignoring the fact he's been so kind to me. maybe i've just been so obsessed with dream that i haven't realized that maybe.. maybe.... maybe there's someone out there. who's not him. who's not dream? because my chance is so long gone, and i guess i've had to learn that. what if i've been too obsessive? what if this... this.... what if here is where i'm meant to be? what if.

what if I've misinterpreted sapnap's feelings for kindness... what if...

i had a dream about him. last night. and we were together.. and we were dating. and i was the happiest person ever. what if. what if that means something?

they say one person can change everything. he's changed everything for me, like that line from that book that i read when i was staying in bed after what i did to myself. 'solitaire' was the books name.

honestly, i related to one of the book's character's on a whole different level. kinda weird, but funny.

ahaha, anyway.. he's made me feel alot different. it's like. him moving in just turned on a switch. i need him and he needs me as much as i need him.

i know, he's not the best person when it comes to mental stability. he's a really good liar about it though, maybe just like me. he's not the best at feelings, like me.

i really... need to talk to him.. i need to get this off my chest, and maybe take a load off his chest too.

i pretend to still be mesmerized by the fireworks once he takes his hands off my face. my hand dangles next to my side, which he takes.