TW: suicide, self harm
Please, if while reading something triggers you or makes yo feel unconfortable, stop. Thank you.
Hi everybody. It's me again. Sorry if my english is not good but i really really need it so I'll just use my poor english and go on. Lately I've got a lot of intrusive thoughts, especially because of school and because i lost one of my best friends and i don't even know where she is, if she's ok and I only hope that she is alive and getting better because she had a lot of hard times, especially in the last year. I know her since a year now and I know that for her i am just someone who was there exactly in the worst moment of her life and i remember her about that moment so, as she do not want to remember that, she is not talking to me, but i really really miss her and i really really need her in my life because... she represents everything that I have always wanted to be, not because she is happy or something, just because people saw that she wasn't ok and tried to help her. They tried. They saw her. No one ever saw me. And i really want to be seen as someone who is not ok because I'm not ok. I hate when people say 'Yeah but this happens to everyone' THEN WHY THE FQCK AM I SUFFERING TO THE POINT WHERE I WANNA END MY LIFE? IS THIS NORMAL? I hope not. I really hope that someone will understand, at some point of my life, that I am not ok.
As i said, i had a lot of intrusive thoughts in this days, but today was the worst. Today was terrible. Today I couldn't even understand what the teachers were saying, I couldn't focus, talk, basically I was there but my mind was somewhere else, and i know where it was. It was in that school, a year ago, with her, with the only person that ever acted like she understood what i meant without even saying a word. With that person that made me think 'if i kill myself she will too' and i didn't want her to die. I don't want her to die. I want to be with her again. I want to see her, to listen to her voice and to know that she is getting better. But I know that just me being around her will make her feel worse and it breaks me in small little peaces that no one will ever notice. I don't know. I don't know what to do because she was, and she is, so important in my life but i would never make her suffer only because I need her. It was easy a month ago, there wasn't anything remembering me that she will never be the person that she was the last year, but now school is there, and I am so so stressed and I don't see her since February of two years ago face to face (I saw her on Meet in June) and every wall of that school screams 'SHE WILL NEVER ENJOY BEING WITH YOU ANYMORE' and it hurts, a lot. It hurts every single day and every single day I need to be closer and further to her at the same time and since I cannot be further to her I am trying to be closer but, since I cannot see her or talk with her, the only thing I can do is cut. And this hurts even more because she didn't want me to do it and the other people around me doesn't want me to do it too but I need to find a way to be closer and there isn't another way. I really don't know what to do, I don't even care if those scars will stay there fr my entire life. It's ok. It's me. It's my pain, but is it the right way? Is this really about cutting or not? Is the real problem cutting? Are you sure? Because I think that I can stop cutting whenever you want but if someone do not help me getting better I will start again, if not cutting, something else, I will shut down emotions again, I will eventually jump off a bridge, there are a lot of ways to hurt yourself without cutting, I don't think that the harm itself it's the problem. The reason of the harming is the point, and no one is getting it. NOT A SOUL. So yeah, this is me at 4 pm, crying in the bathroom, listening to comforting audios, and wishing to cut again just because I wanna feel free. Thank you for listening, hope I didn't trigger anyone, good luck to everyone ig.
