F.A.M.E (book 1 & 2)

34

My glossy eyes glazed over the tweets on Twitter; every retweet and comment that was made regarding my partner's gut-wrenching, hurtful allegations, sent me into fits of disconsolate sobs. I was beyond sad. I was hurt and I was embarrassed. Adonis had humiliated me in the worst possible way. Through his careless, sloppy and thoughtless actions, he'd given the world a disturbing microscope into our relationship. There was nothing more mortifying than finding out disturbing news about your partner at the same time as the rest of the world.

Adonis had done a lot of calling and messaging in the last twenty-four hours; each call after the first had been sent straight to voicemail. The tears that would cloud my vision every time my eyes fell on his caller ID, prevented me from picking up any of his calls. I had never been overly emotional about guys, but it was completely different when you were in love with one. Through everything that had happened, the one thing that wouldn't leave my mind, was the memory of how I felt when he left me at sixteen. The embarrassment and hurt I felt at that age for trusting him, only for him to break my heart, was exactly what I was feeling now. How could he do this to me twice? How could I not be enough for him, twice?

When the news first broke out and he called me, all he could do was apologise. There was no reassurance that the media got things wrong, there was no reassurance that no cheating had happened. He just kept apologising to me like that was supposed to make me feel better. In that moment that I heard his first apology, tears automatically filled my eyes because I knew... I just knew he had messed up. The only thing I managed to confirm was that he didn't get stabbed and neither did Twista. Nobody was harmed.

I think part of the reason I was so hurt by everything that had transpired in the last couple of days was because I had already got into it with Adonis, regarding Kelsey, on the first night I got here. Earlier that morning he had told me the theme and plans for the video, and if I was being honest, I wasn't a fan of the idea, but I didn't want to steer Don away from his creativity. That would be controlling and unfair, especially since he never did that to me. However, I would be lying if I said his ideas didn't make me uncomfortable. If anything, Durk's 'coming clean' video was a great example of the sort of video Adonis had shot. I wasn't even bothered by the other girls in the video, what bothered me was the fact that Kelsey had the lead role, and out of all the girls at the shoot, she was the only one who got the opportunity to touch him. As crazy as it sounded, I think I would've felt better if all the other girls had been all over him too.

I chose to be unproblematic and not speak about the video shoot on that call. I was hoping to push it to the back of my mind and ignore the tiny voices in my head, but then he told me he dropped Kelsey home after the shoot, and he had to help her take her bags into her house.

I wasn't happy with him at all; when I expressed this to him, that's when we got into it; he basically told me I was over reacting and that I was worrying for nothing. It probably wasn't his intentions, but it felt like he dismissed something that bothered me, and that hurt my feelings because he was the same person who kept going on about communicating my issues to him. I guess this is what I got for trying to be understanding of something that was supposed to be a 'professional' relationship between him and Kelsey.

My girls had been calling me non-stop, trying to get in touch with me to make sure I was okay, but I just didn't have the energy to answer any of them. I just felt so defeated. In fact, I had booked myself a solo trip to Santorini so that I could get away from all the negativity in my life. It was all just too much.

In the midst of dealing with all this rubbish, I was still working. I had spent the whole morning in a meeting with the creative directors of a brand called 'Scandalous'. There was an offer for two and a half million on the table for me to be an ambassador and face for the brand for the next eighteen months, but first, there were a lot of things that needed to be discussed with management, just to be safe.