Raison D'être

Confession

Anastasia 

"Don't work too hard Anastasia!"

"I should say the same to you, Lorenzo," I grin before running over to the Diner.

He laughs and shakes his head as Brent drives off, while I walk inside.

"Well. Well. Look who slept on the right side of the bed? His bed I assume," Carla grins.

"Carla! What the hell? No, I told you, he is my boss. Besides, that's like saying I'm sleeping with David."

"First of all, ew. Second of all, David is like your dad and Lorenzo is a man around your age. He is hot, smoking hot, and there you are a little beautiful maid just living in his house. Do you really expect me to believe nothing is going on? I mean look at you, coming in here all happy at 7 in the morning. 7 in case you didn't see the time!" She has her crazed look, as the vein on the side of her head becomes visible.

"I know. I know, but nothing is going on between us. If anything he is becoming more like a friend. We've shared some things about each other, but that's all. Besides, I can't exactly have a relationship with him even if I wanted to. What if it doesn't work out? He's going to fire me, and I need that job."

"Maybe you're right. But like I said, you just admitted to yourself you want a relationship with him!"

"No, I didn't," standing firm on my ground.

"Mhm, I know what I heard."

Rolling my eyes and walking away, I go over to the lockers to get changed. The Diner starts to get busy for breakfast and early lunch hours. I pray that time will move by a little faster. My prayers are answered when the busy shift comes to its end. With only a couple of people in the restaurant and after checking up on all of them, I go over to the bench in the back and sit. Exhausted, I exhale just breathing in and taking in the time I have.

"Are you okay?"

Raising my head from my hands, "oh, I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all."

"If you want, you could go home," at moments like these, I am reminded of my love for Carla as a sister. "I don't even know why you still work here when you have Lorenzo as your sugar daddy," but the moment is quickly ripped to shreds as I try to hide my smile.

"I like working here. I get to hang out with you guys more. Besides, this is the only time I really get to see you before you go to your classes in the afternoon."

"Ana?! You're gonna make me cry. Girl, I'm sorry for not hanging out more. If that's what you wanted to do, all you had to do was ask! I've just wanted to give you some space lately, especially after you know... "

Eternally grateful that Carla doesn't say her name, I sigh. "Yeah, I know. I appreciate that. It's just when you and David gave me space, I was left with my thoughts. I was left to mourn and think of all that happened to her, and I- I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt, I still feel like a total failure of a mother." My tears are on the brink of spilling and through the corner of my eye, I see Carla rush to embrace me.

"I'm so sorry. I never want you to feel like that. Please don't think like that. What happened to your daughter was something no one blames you for. Please," she holds my head up, "don't think like that. If anything, you gave that child all the love in the world. You were a good mother, and if she is still alive, I don't think she could forget you."

"Thank you," the present tense she used when referring to my baby is noted. That she still has hope, and I feel even worse for having mine doused much faster than hers.

"Ana, I need you, to be honest with me..." I look up, "have you ever had suicidal thoughts?"

I break eye contact, not wanting to look her in the eye or say it out loud, I nod. "I tried to kill myself that night after the big meal you gave me, I haven't eaten in weeks and I knew you guys knew. I guess me eating the food was a way of telling you goodbye."

"Anastasia! That was a goodbye?! How? I-" she lowers her tone before a tear slips down her cheeks, "I love you Ana. You're my sister. I hope those thoughts don't linger," she pleads as she rubs my hand.

"No. They don't. That night Lorenzo was the one that saved me, and he offered me a better alternative. That's how we became- whatever we are now."

"Wow, that's a really good boss," emphasizing boss sarcastically.

"Oh shut up," I sniffled while wiping her tears. Her attempt to make me feel better is successful.

"Just a boss?" she asks more seriously.

" I would say he is a friend. There. You happy now?"

"That'll do. Just be careful with yourself Anastasia. If it gets too much up here," as she taps my temple, "just know that you can always talk to me. I would never judge you. If anything, I want you to get counseling or at least someone to talk to if you can't talk to me."

"I know. Thank you." Hugging Carla feels nice, almost as good as last night when Lorenzo embraced me while I let everything out. I think that's what makes the best friendships, letting someone be so vulnerable and getting just the sliver of reassurance that someone is there, holding you and listening to you. "Anyways, we're always so focused on me, what about you? How's college?"

"Oh really good! I would say some professors piss me off, but that's to be expected."

"Mmm. Any boy?" as I take note of her being antsy.

"How did you-"

"Your eyes give it away."

"You and your eagle eyes, but yes there is. And don't tell dad. His name is Diego, and we share a few classes together. Super sweet guy, a bit refreshing from all the dickwads I've been with."

"Yeah, trust me I know. Brad? That's a guaranteed dirtbag."

"Oh shut up."

"I mean come on Carla, what did you expect he wears loafers with everything?!"

At that, we're both laughing before Carla says, "I want you to meet him. Diego, I mean. If your boss doesn't mind, I could pick you up Thursday at your new home. Diego is having a small BBQ with friends before they all go off for spring break."

"I don't know Carla, I don't want to intrude."

"What do you mean intrude? Besides I will be there, if anything I'm the intruder."

I smile shyly at Carla's attempt to convince me.

"Please, think about it. Besides, you might meet someone, if you're not too hung up on Mr. Amoretto..." she says with her devious grin plastered.

Before I could smack her, Carla runs to the bathroom laughing.

Shaking my head walking out I finished up my shift. Before leaving Carla yells over, "I'm expecting a call from that ancient phone of yours!"

I respond by shaking my head no.

"Oh come on. Please. Please Please." She begs with her puppy eyes, to which I give in.

"Fine. Just this once and only to meet Diego."

"YAY! Call me for your address and I'll pick you up sexy."

"Bye Carla. Bye David!" I wave as he waves back

"Be safe kiddo," and with that, I'm out the door. 

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