Raison D'être

Distance

Anastasia

I don't know how, but the soft click of the door as Lorenzo tries to be quiet coming in, wakes me. I don't care that he woke me up, I care about seeing him and here he is- at 3am. "Come to bed," I groggle, but I don't care how I sound. I just want to cuddle up next to him. He's surprised at the fact that he woke me up, but gives me a sheepish smile before gently shaking his head. He comes close, and parts the hair from my face before saying, "go back to sleep tesoro," he has the last word as he steps out back out of his room.
But I don't go back to sleep. Despite his gentle voice urging me to I can't. He's so busy with work, but his health is being ruined by it. Thoughts of Lorenzo continue to swarm my mind, and I don't remember when they exactly started to slow, but eventually they stopped when I had fallen asleep again.
.
..
...
A week had gone by. A whole week without seeing much of Lorenzo. Despite me asking Chiara if he was okay, Chiara assured me that this was normal. This is normal. My three new least favorite words. This normal would be days without seeing him, hearing from him. I did not like it. I had sent a few texts the first couple of days, no response. I remember waiting on my phone, an hour after I sent it. Two, three, three hours ended up becoming a day, a day ended up becoming two. It was day seven, still no response, just a stupid delivered under the message. Other than Lorenzo, which my mind was scarcely never not on, I had turkey day to worry about. Turkey day with Lorenzo's parents, whom I have never met. I know Chiara distracts me every now and then when she asks to go grocery shopping, especially for another tub of rocky road that we already have in the freezer. We've been to the mall a couple of times as well, and although it seems stupid- I actually don't mind. I am content with the distraction, especially when Lorenzo always seems to be in the back of my mind.

As I toss and turn trying to find the spot, the spot where sleep would finally come, I ended up opening my eyes in annoyance. I let out a huff as I looked over at the empty side of the bed. Despite my frustrations, I couldn't blame Lorenzo because I knew that this responsibility was granted to him at a young age, something that really was his normal. Growing restless and wired with all this energy, I slip out of bed putting on a sports bra, leggings, and a sweatshirt. The patter of my feet is all the noise that can be heard as I go down the steps to the training room. Just before slipping earbuds on, I hear grunting and forceful impacts landing on the punching bag. Peering my head over, I see him. Lorenzo dripping sweat, as he is so concentrated on whatever seems to be on his mind. "Lorenzo," it comes out breathless, because that's what I was. He's here.

His concentration ruptures at the sound of my voice, as he instantly looks up to see me. "Baby what're you doing up?" he asks, slowly unwrapping his bandaged arms.

My stomach flutters at the endearment, but more so that I'm seeing him and hearing the sound of his voice. Just looking at him, taking in everything I've missed, I see he hasn't shaved in a while, his hair grew a bit, and there is a certain look to him that I can't quite place. "I missed you."

Lorenzo

At those words, I drop my gloves and hold her. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I know she doesn't care that I'm sweaty because her grip on me tightens and I feel like shit. Guilt. That's what I feel seeing how much my absence has affected her. Though I understand her all the same, because as I come home every night finding peace in watching her sleep, I found myself missing the sound of her voice, her laughter, her smile, and her eyes. "I missed you too, tesoro."

"Where have you been?"

"Work baby."

"All this time? Is this what you do?-" her voice yearns for more answers, answers I can't give her. I watch as her eyes avert from mine. Please let me see your eyes Anastasia.

"Yes baby. I'm sorry-"

She breaks from my hold, "sorry you didn't answer my texts at least?"

"I'm sorry I haven't looked at my personal cell." I hold her face, trying to get her eyes to look at mine. She's upset. And she has every right to be. Holding her cheek, I take my chance to gaze at everything you can't see when someone is sleeping. Her eyes, the way she quirks her lips, or chews the inside of her cheek. I smile softly at seeing her before confessing, "I missed you so much," and at that her eyes reach mine. She pulls me in close for a kiss. A kiss my body had grown to crave in my absence. Breaking apart, though none of us really wanted to, I tease, "but you never answered my question tesoro... what are you doing up?"

"I can't sleep," is all she says shrugging.

Even more guilt. I watch as she breaks from my hold and begins to pace in front of me. "Tesoro, are you alright? Have your nightmares returned?"

She shakes her head, "I- I just worry about you is all," as she holds herself.

Unwrapping her arms from herself and putting them around me, I hold her tightly whispering an "I'm sorry," though sorry will never be enough. She nods her head letting herself rest on my chest.

"It's alright," she says, "you're here now. And that's all that matters."

It wasn't really alright. If I felt this bad leaving her for days and she didn't know the truth, that she was losing sleep over my well being, it only furthered the part of me that wanted to withhold the truth for a bit longer.

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THIS WAS UNEDITED. I hate publishing my work unedited because it doesn't feel perfect for ya'll but I feel terrible for leaving you all with no update. So sorry this update took awhile. A lot has come up recently, and I might have to take another break. Updates will be whenever I have time. So sorry about this...🖤