Raison D'être

Liberation

Anastasia

As we drive down Lorenzo's private road, the wind becomes less strong as he pulls over.

As puts the car in park he turns to face me. He smiles, awaiting the obvious question. "What are we doing?"

"Come," is all he says, opening my door. He holds out his hand to which I take.

Walking over to the fence, he hops over, making it look so easy as if this is something he does every day. He lends me a hand and the untamed grass is up to my hips, with Lorenzo pulling me along with him, parting the grass in his wake.

"Are you going to murder me?" I joke

He laughs, "I would never. Not after that kiss." He turns his head slightly, revealing his smirk I knew would be there. I blush at his remark before he pulls me up on the hill.

"There," he points out, "you see them?" As my eyes follow his direction, I see them. Horses. The horses I saw when I was first here, looking back at it now feels like ages ago. As I reminisce, he whistles to which the horses raise their heads and come trotting over.

I get a better look at the brown and white horse mane as the black and white horse comes up next to Lorenzo.

As he pets the horse's forehead, he says "this here is Troy and she is Brieses"

"Troy huh? After Brad Pitt's movie."

He smiles cheekily, "we do share the same taste then."

I laugh, as Brieses comes closer to Lorenzo, I stay back unsure of the horses' reactions especially with their size compared to mine. "Come closer," he ushers still holding my hand while his free hand motions, "hold out your hand like this."

Doing as he says, he guides Troy who slowly comes in contact with my hand. The instant contact makes me elated and giddy, like a child in a candy shop. I've always wanted to do this, ride a horse. And as he's here up close, I look into his piercing black eyes stroking his mane gently. As I continue to run my hand through Troy, Lorenzo grips my waist.

"He likes you, so you'll get to ride him for the day."

"Lorenzo. I don't know how?"

"It's easy, just follow after me," as he lifts me onto the horse while I adjust myself.

Getting on Brieses, he takes her right next to me and does several motions to signify Breises of her next command. Trying to listen, my mind wanders off to get a good look at Lorenzo. His tall frame on the horse is as if he is a Greek god, despite his rich dark hair and his slight accent when he is angry or teasing. The way he carries himself, in such a respectable manner, calm, stoic, mysterious, and handsome is enough to make my heart beat faster as I remember all the moments I have shared with Lorenzo.

"Are you listening?"

"Oh uh- yes sorry about that."

He raises a brow not believing me before waving a hand over, "come on tesoro."

I follow him, finally getting the hang of it Troy ends up next to Brieses, making Lorenzo turn to me and smile.

The silence is comfortable as we listen to the early autumn leaves rustle, and the long blades of grass sway with the wind. Peaceful. That's how I would describe it.

"Lorenzo, do you own that land?" I ask, pointing toward the expansive forest.

"I do, I own this whole lot. You know that road that goes on for about 20, 30 miles?"

"That's a lot of land. What do you do with all of it?"

"I'd rather keep it the way nature intended than have whatever the New York building department wants with it. I bought this initially for farmland, which I set up about 100 acres for if you were to take a detour, it's about a 30 minute drive from here, but who actually goes the speed limit?"

I laugh, "of course you don't. Not with those cars you have lined up."

He laughs, "that's what they're for aren't they?"

"I guess so. But you just have all this land? You could do so much with it, but I think I like this section here. The field. It's nice."

"Yes, up ahead, when I bought the place my mother told me to build my house near that oak tree. She would tell me all the time that it is a good spot to just take everything in."

"I was thinking the same thing. Are you close with your mother?"

"I am. I'm just busy with the business that I don't really have time to see them as much as I would like. My mother, she's the one who encouraged passions in the art and music scene. For that, I will be forever grateful."

"She sounds wonderful."

"She is." He smiles, before trotting towards the oak tree. The way Lorenzo thinks of his mother is the way I wanted Aurora to think of me. Have nothing but good thoughts, admiration, and most of all respect. I never wanted Aurora to see all that I would have sacrificed to give her, but I didn't want her oblivious to the world around us. Aurora's future was crepuscular rays, it was there but never fully visible. I would never know if my daughter became a successful entrepreneur, a doctor, a teacher, an artist, or a musician. I would never know because she's dead. My mood instantly soured, as I followed Lorenzo. Getting off his horse, holding my hand and hip Lorenzo helps me down. I don't know how he sees, but he does. He wipes a tear I didn't know I shed, before asking "what's wrong amore?"

"I- the way you were talking about your mother. It was nice. It makes me think that if my life were different, things would have turned out differently-" I know nothing of her, but I can't help and want to experience what Lorenzo felt. Motherly love, as you cry your eyes out and need her to brush your strands away from your face, as you tell her about the boy you like, as she explains the toil women go through in this world. That's what I would've done. "Why doesn't she love me?"

Lorenzo tsks and holds me tight. "Anastasia, forgive me for I am going to be insensitive for a moment, but it is honesty I will give you. She doesn't deserve you. Her love, even if she were to give it, would be nothing. Worthless." He pulls me back, as I look into his eyes. The urge in them for me to stop crying, but I can't. Especially with his next words. "Anastasia, you would make an extraordinary mother." As the pain resurfaces, a lump is lodged in my throat. I let out a wail, as I sob. He clutches me close, probably confused or coming to his own conclusions, but I am grateful he says no more. He understands my need to let everything out. And that's what I do. I let it all out as I clutch his polo staining the navy a black, his embrace on me tightens as he whispers sweet nothings in my ear before finally saying, "it'll get better. I promise."
And for the first time, I let go. I believe him. I will never be able to let my daughter go, but in this moment: the power of his words is enough to make my demons vanish.

I can't express how grateful I am. Thank you for reading

Don't forget to comment and vote!

Photo Credit: Pinterest