Raison D'être

Enigmatic

Anastasia

"Well well well, look who decided to call." It's been a week, or weeks after I kissed Lorenzo twice, there were many more kisses after that but he had been the one to initiate them all, nonetheless I'm still proud of my newfound confidence.

But what really made that day special is quite obvious. He told me he loved me. I still have the same feelings I felt when he told me. I remember my heart stopped before rapidly pounding at actually having heard the words. Of course the guilt of not telling him back is eating me because there is always something doubting whether what I feel is actually there. I have never felt this in my life, and it is something I only want to say once to someone who matters. I know that's him, but I feel he deserves better than what I have to offer. The truth is, if he were to have made love to me by that oak tree I would have let him because I wanted it as much as him. Maybe even more. I keep going back to those moments after the special one, how I was so willing to let him have something I was going to save until I fell in love. Every sound reasoning that coursed through my body went out the window because I wanted him. I want him. I love him, but I want to be sure of myself before I tell him because I know I would have to open the rest of the door to my past- I'm just not ready to face that yet.

As guilt becomes ever so present, so does the need for him. The need for his voice to travel through not only my ears, but course through my body the way only his does. The need for his tender touch. The need to see his dimples, hear his laugh do flips to my heart. Even the need for him to be mentally intimate, as his mind undresses before me. Smiling, I remember when he mentioned his mother, something he clearly doesn't tell anyone. His vulnerable moment with me, and I couldn't wait to find out more from him. These days, I find myself needing him more every single day.

And everyday for this past week has felt like heaven. Whether it was the playful banter at breakfast, the makeouts in the car, the sweet messages he sends me while I'm at work, the surprises of him showing up early and us having lunch together, the training we do that leads to more heavy makeout sessions, or even the gentle parting of goodnight when we both move into our separate beds, I find myself wanting more of him. My bed, despite always just feeling fine, has now felt empty. I wonder if he feels the same but I won't ask.

I realize Carla is still on the phone and I did promise to call her, "I know and I am sorry."

"Not good enough. It's been a week! You went to work, dad told me, but you couldn't call? I'm stuck here trying to study for my midterms, but I'm awaiting the juicy details..."

"Well... we kissed"

The phone goes silent before she screams or screeches. I can't really tell the difference when my are ears bleeding. "TELL ME HOW!"

"Well my first kiss with him was after I admitted to him what happened to me-"

"With Will?"

"Yea, and he was so caring and just helped me let it all out. I was vulnerable with him. It honestly felt so good. And then the second time was when we were in fact on a date..."

"Oh my gosh! I knew it!"

"Yes, anyway Carla-"

"God y'all are so cute together. I have envisioned this for-"

"Carla," I interceded but she kept going.

"So long. Like actual perfection."

"Carla!"

"What?"

"He told me he loves me." She's quiet while I nervously chew my lip awaiting her answer.

"What did you say?"

"I kissed him."

"That works too, I guess."

I groan, "Carla I feel terrible for not saying it back!"

"Well do you feel it back?"

I do, but I need to be sure. "Honestly, I don't want to think about a moment without him. I care about him a lot. I want everything for him because he deserves it, but I want to be sure. I've never been in love before. I've never done this-"

"And that's okay. But when you feel it, you'll know."

"How?"

"You'll know."

"You're no help."

"You'll find out that the answer I gave you is the only answer..."

Thank you for reading! ❤️

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Sorry for the chapter as well... the next one will be much longer
Photo credit: me:) 💚