Raison D'être

Night Talks

Walking away towards her room she thought about her future. Her future without her daughter. The reality she didn't want to face. Niccolò's words, stop caring didn't seem all that bad at times like these. But deep down, she would always care. It was the way she was programmed. There would always be some constant reminder of her daughter, even now looking in Lorenzo's eyes. The same hint of green that hers had when the light would hit their face at a certain angle. Crying herself to sleep that night she thought of her daughter. She still wished for her safety every night, as she spent the night in her boss's place. Lorenzo's eyes were enough to give her a glimmer of hope that maybe her daughter was alive, but she was always quick to douse the shred of hope when it sparked. The words of the man that night, to forget her, would never be done.

The nightmares came that night, of Will assaulting her and Aurora being taken. For months she has dealt with the worst nights of her life all in one for years now, until one night. The night Lorenzo saved her. But now they return to haunt her again, to remind her of what she believes is her failure as a woman and a mother. A woman for not being strong enough against Will, and for not protecting her daughter. The pain despite being gone for a moment when she got here, has now come back to remind her of her 'faults'. Sweating, she gets up and washes her face, before moving to the kitchen for a glass of water, her throat suddenly dry. 

Walking down the hall, she replays the moment at dinner. She feels bad for leaving Lorenzo like that. He has done nothing but give her kindness, this man was the very being her pain started to vanish. Getting a glass, taking large gulps she shook her head. Lorenzo made her forget the pain, even if it was just for a moment, and she wouldn't let herself forget. She wanted to be reminded of the pain and failure she was. Or so she thought. Too enhanced in her self conflicts, she didn't notice Lorenzo approaching the island counter. 

"Anastasia?"

Startled, she jumped a little before getting a good look at Lorenzo. His hair was slightly disheveled and if anything it only added more to his godlike looks. He was shirtless and the black sweats he wore hung low on his hips. His abs, obliques, shoulders, biceps, even the perfect v cut were all on display. His physical being was in fact enticing, but his thoughts were what intrigued her most. She inhaled sharply before gulping wondering if she was dreaming. Her thoughts were interrupted once more when he chuckled.

"I'm sorry, I feel like I'm always startling you. Bad dream?" His eyes search for anything. Anything that would unveil what she truly felt.

"Oh it's alright, I- yes. It was a bad dream. Why are you awake?" She asked not wanting to talk about William.

"I can't sleep," he huffs, rubbing his face, clearly worn. Something she has never noticed before, until now late in the night, with nothing but the moonlight on his face.

"Don't you take those pills?"

His head turned to face her as he took out a glass and poured water. "You saw those?"

"I'm sorry, it's just I was cleaning your room and-"

"No, there's no need to explain yourself. I understand why you ask though. To answer your question, I don't like to take those pills, I only take them if I haven't slept in days, I don't want to take them every night. It becomes too much, you know?"

Nodding her head, they glance each other in the eyes, searching past the moonlit color.

"Lorenzo, if you don't mind me asking, what keeps you up at night?"

The very question he wants to ask her. He thinks before giving her an answer that will reveal too much. "There are certain things I don't want to remember, and if I close my eyes and fall asleep my transgressions will come to torment me. I'd rather fight my demons than have them consume me when I'm most vulnerable."

She can't help but chuckle, not a trace of humor found, "I'm the exact opposite. I want to remember the pain and failure that I am. I want them to consume me." She says it low, but it rings loud in Lorenzo's ears.

"Anastasia-"

"It's alright, I'm not going to kill myself. I promised you, but I can't lie to you when I tell you that deep down I don't care what happens to me."

"Anastasia," he steps closer to her, taking her arms in his hands, "how can you say such a thing?"

"I told you," she breaks eye contact with him, "I just want the pain to go away. I just want to stop feeling like the failure I am. My nightmares. They do a good job of reminding me. Of putting me in my place. That's why I don't care how I die-"

"Anastasia!" Agitation falls from his voice, not one out of anger but one of annoyance. He has no problem reminding her how precious she is but grows annoyed at the block in her mind. "Stop talking like that."

Her voice raises from the whisper, "don't you get it? I want the pain gone Lorenzo. I have to live every day. Every single day feeling it all over again, and face my bed every night knowing that the demons will do their job of reminding me. I don't care when I die. How I die. I jus-"

He places his finger under her chin forcing her to look at him. Looking into her eyes brimmed with tears on the verge of spilling he tells her, "I care. Anastasia, I don't want you to die."

She looks at him over her glossy eyes, the very question crosses her mind, why? Why does he care so much? Shaking her head and closing her eyes the tears fall on her face. Lorenzo engulfs her in a hug as she cries softly. Rubbing her back in soft circles, her cries die down before she sniffles. Pulling away, she looks at Lorenzo, "thank you."

Lorenzo nods his head before she turns and walks away. "Goodnight Lorenzo."

"Anastasia-" he tugs her wrist,  "are you sure you'll be alright tonight?"

"I do it every night. I'll be fine." She gives him a soft smile before walking away down the east hall.

Thank you for reading :)

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