Raison D'être

Test Drive

Anastasia

As I walk inside the Diner, Carla is laughing her ass off. "What was that Carla?"

"Oh you know," she teases. "All part of my master grand plan," drumming her fingers together.

"Well since Carla doesn't want to answer, do you know what that was about Luka?"

Luka shrugs, counting his tens to make sure Carla did in fact give him 50. "Fine," as I walk to the locker room to change, ignoring their antics. Walking out, Carla and Luka are in a secret conversation before Carla glances over at me. Luka shuts up as I walk over, "Luka, you better not be planning another one of whatever the heck you and Carla pulled again," I scold.

"Okayyyy," he huffs as he hands back Carla a $100 bill.

"What the hell? Carla, what are you doing?"

Carla smiles before walking off behind the counter, just as Luka speaks up, "it's something to do with you and-"

"Shut it," Carla glares at Luka.

"Ladies, I'm scared of you both, so I will just walk away," he raises his hands in surrender before retracing his steps.

I laugh, "lil ol me Luka?"

Carla intercedes, "as you should. Now shut it before I take back my $50."

"Ah, I think it's my 50 because I completed the deed," he says slyly.

"What deed?" I ask.

"Oh, you know to go and make Lorenzo jealous."

"What?! Luka!" Both Carla and I speak at the same time. I roll my eyes, "Carla, I told you for the millionth time, he is just my boss."

"Mhm, whatever you say." Luka laughs, as both Carla and I glare at him. "I'll just go back to work," he says slowly retracting his steps into the kitchen.

Carla hums and I turn my attention towards her. Hands on my hips I give her a look, "Carla, quit it. I am not going to play hookie with my boss, besides what if he is taken?"

"Girl, you live with him and you don't know if he is single or not?"

Shaking my head, "I'm not sure. I don't want to pry if he is not willing to share. Besides, how would you even ask someone without invading their privacy?"

"Ana, you have to dig to get the treasure."

"Oh shut up," Carla giggles and I can't help but laugh with her. "College is making you sound all scholarly, but you can't fool me."

"Did you just call me dumb?"

"Maybe," I smirk.

Carla shoves me, before laughing. As our laughter dies down, Carla smiles, "look I just miss seeing you happy."

I look over at her seriously, "Carla, it's okay. I'm fine with where I am right now..."

"But I'm not Ana. You are beautiful and when you put your mind to things, you could do wonders for the world. For yourself."

"Thanks Carla, but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I mean look at me. Really look at me. I- I was raped by someone I trusted the most and I-I," I exhale hoping it will stop the tears that well, "and I am a failure of a mother. I'm not ready for a relationship because I don't think I could ever trust someone completely." The truth is, I don't believe I deserve love, not when I can't even trust myself.

Carla puts her hands on my shoulders, "Ana I'm sorry. I'm not trying to push, I'm really not. I just miss seeing the way you used to be with Aurora and seeing you come out of that big limo every day with a genuine smile on your face. That Anastasia is what you deserve. You are not a failure of a mother, you were one of the best mothers. You did everything you could for Aurora, EVERYTHING. The last thing you were was a failure. You picked yourself up and put yourself together after what that monster did to you. Not for yourself, but for your daughter, making you the best mother and most selfless person I know. You deserve the world, Ana. And if I was a lesbian, I would give it to you."