Literature, lust and love - Professor Romanoff

THIRTEEN

I rolled over for the twentieth time, begging myself to fall asleep. I flipped the pillow over and changed positions, hoping that I could lure myself into unconsciousness. The rain had now turned into a thunderstorm and the anguished cries of the wind mirrored the sobs of my heartbreak. I watched through my window, jealous of the earth outside that was able to get a clean slate, having all of its sins and worries being wiped away by the storm. I missed the way the rain used to make me feel safe, but now all it did was remind me of my sadness. Natasha was still not replying to my calls or texts, despite my constant barrage of apologies. I stared at the phone screen that illuminated my room, willing for something to pop up.

At 2 am I decided I couldn't take it anymore, so I got back into my clothes and ran out of my dorm. The raindrops attacked my face but I was too upset to care. I simply wrapped my coat tighter around me and continued on my way. I arrived outside her house, looking through the dark windows even though her car was not in the driveway. I knocked on the door in hope, but no reply came. Leaning my head on the white door, I held back a sob, wanting nothing more than to feel her arms around me, to smell her scent, or to hear her laughter. After sheltering from the rain on her doorstep for a bit, I went to the park, to the 24-hour supermarket, the diner, the college pub. In all of these places, I yearned for her, but couldn't find her. I was met with sympathetic faces, telling me that they hadn't seen a redhead woman, but ensuring me that I would find her. I just wanted to find her and explain to her how much she meant to me, to tell her that she wasn't worthless and that she was everything and more to me.

As I ran along the dimly lit pavements, watching the sun start its ascent into the sky, I thought about my time with Natasha. From my very first interaction with her, she had made me feel something special. From the first touch, even at the first word, I had given my whole body and soul into her control. I loved the way she looked at me not having to say anything, but I understood the message. The way she moved her eyebrows, how she flicked her hair behind her shoulder, the proud way she walked through the hallways. Her deep raspy voice, how it would send shivers down to my toes, and how she would whisper in my ear. The way that our conversations felt so secluded even in a room of people, how her piercing eyes would find mine and nod for me to continue, making me felt heard. The way her brain worked, her intelligence battling with her humour for dominance. Everything she did amazed me, and all I wanted to do was tell her this.

"Desi?"

I squinted my eyes as I ran towards the person who was calling my name.

"Alex? What are you doing?"

"What are you doing, you mad person!" Alex practically laughed at my appearance, and I didn't blame him, I looked like a drowned rat.

"I'm looking for someone. Why are you here?"

"Em heard you leave and texted me because she was worried about you. Apparently people had heard you crying. Des, why haven't you talked to me about what's going on? And why, for gods sake, are we out in the rain at 5 am!"

I sighed, feeling cornered, and decided to tell my best friend everything because he deserved the truth from me.

"And now I'm looking for her," I finished, turning back to look at Alex. His eyes were wide but he was smiling. Looking at his face, I couldn't help but also smile.

"Why are you smiling, Al?"

"Desi, I've never seen you like this."

"I know, it's awful, I know." I laughed as I ran my hands over my face.

He walked over and placed his hands on my shoulders. "No, Desi, it's amazing. This is what you deserve; this romance, this relationship, this girl. Now go find her and fight for her!"

His words reignited the passion I had been feeling earlier and I ran back towards campus, leaving my cheering friend behind. The rain had slowed down to a drizzle and fog was drifting between the buildings. I made my way to the sports field and I saw someone running in the distance. My heart started beating furiously as I ran closer and closer.

"Tasha!" I called out, but my cries were swallowed by the ever-present wind. I carry on running towards her calling out her name.

"Tasha!"

The figure stops running and spins around. "Desi?" she calls back.

"I had to find you, Tash." I call across, standing a few metres away from her. "I've been looking for you everywhere. I'm so sorry that I gave in to that bitch, but I really couldn't bear for her to ruin your life. I know you think I was doing it out of fear, but I could honestly care less about my reputation, but I know I couldn't live with myself knowing that I destroyed your life."

"But you don't understand Desi," she started but I cut her off.

"I do, Tash, I do! You thought that it was easy for me to toss you aside, but you're worth so much more than. To me, to this school, to everyone."

"No, Desi, that's not what I'm saying at all."

I cocked my head, "What are you saying, Tasha?"

"Loosing my job, or my house, couldn't ruin my life. Because you are my life, Desi. I would choose you over anything. In a heartbeat."

My stomach flipped as I looked at the gorgeous girl in front of me, holding my heart in her hands. I swallowed, slowing my heart down, bigging myself up to talk again. Clearly, I took too long because Natasha sighed and started walking away, her pace turning into a run. Her red hair swayed as she ran and I had to snap out of the trance I fell in as I watched her.

"Tasha!"

I reach her, still running, and jump in her arms. She catches me, wrapping her arms around me, letting my wetness transfer to her. My feet lock together behind her, and I can feel her rapid breathing on my chest as she holds me up. I look down at her, watching how the rain is making ringlets in her hair, taking in the slight pink in her cheeks from the cold and her piercing green eyes.

"Desi, you're soaked!" she cooed, brushing away droplets from my face. I ignore her comment and stare into her eyes.

"I love you, Natasha."

Her eyes searched longingly in mine before attacking my lips. I sighed, feeling myself relax under her familiar touch. Every neuron in my body felt her, her hands on my back, her waist between my legs, her lips on mine, and every neuron responded in electricity. She really was my home. Natasha pulled away, smiling at me.

"I love you too, Desi."