My secrets that are not really secret.

Fantasy and Lying

10/15/21

I lie to myself a lot...but that is something I already knew, and trust me I know a lot of things. The one thing I will probably lie about is not knowing something, pretending that everything is ok when it isn't. That is the thing I am probably the best at....in real life though its a different story, I am just so confused now though, it hurts.

Well That was a lie to, I am not confused, I know why I am hurting, I did it to myself.  I deserve it....heh that was a lie as well. I don't think I deserve, heck I think the reason why I deserve such pain is irrational, manipulative and unreasonable. Though that could be a lie as well...I think why I deserve it is unreasonable but then I realize; if it was unreasonable why would it hurt? It hurts because its the truth.

I see them as entertainment.

What lead to this? Well one of my friends is mad at me. I know they are mad at me...I can just tell because I know exactly what got them mad. I told them they were an online friend, part of a fantasy I want in my real-life, they are part of a story I read to myself to keep myself entertain, to keep myself from feeling so lonely and empty. They are mad because of that, honestly I think its quite absurd that they are even offended by that...because well, who goes on the internet to look for real friends to have a life with? No one, I don't even think my online friends go on the internet to find real friends to have a life with.

I understand though, for people who actually think that you can make real friends on the internet. of all places...and those friends tell you that they don't see you as a real-life friend but you see them as a real-life friend...it hurts. I can understand why someone would feel hurt by that, cause then it makes them feel lied to, abandoned. 

I am hurt though, and quite mad at myself...I am hurt because I lost my entertainment, I lost a part of something that gave my life a spark, made my life not so meaningless and boring. but I am mad at myself because I see my friends as entertainments. I can't help it though...but for the fantasy I create of them, its a happy one, my own little world that keeps me standing...and well that is going away...and I guess I am upset about how i view my friends, and how i am loosing my happy little world. I wish my happy little world was real, I wish I don't have to go online to just experience a spark, that I can just have my friends in real life and everything is good, perfectly happy. Its unrealistic, but that is why i create my happy little world on the internet because at least on there it can be somewhat real.

I predicted this would happen though, I knew it from the very moment me and my online friends started becoming closer...I knew one day they would either live off with their own lives, move on without me and I would have to find another group to create my happy little world, its already happening to, I see it...everyone going away. I can't really do anything about it though, so all I can do is salvage what i have left until the very end.

It hurts, I am hurt but luckily...I knew this was coming so I am not as hurt as I should be. I know it aint a healthy mindset to have. But I like telling myself that its better to move on and forget then ponder, emotionally drain yourself over something you lost.

I mean...what the point of getting upset over something that was bound to happen anyway?