My secrets that are not really secret.

Imperfections

9/17/21

I pick at my skin...a lot...and when I mean a lot. I seriously mean a lot...

It always been a huge problem for me, ever since I was little...first It was usually because of my eczema. I had extremely bad eczema when I was little; I would itch, create blisters on my skin, having bleeding spots on parts of my body. It even went to a point where some kids would not want to touch my hand because it looks "gross" and well...it was gross, it was just scarred up and I hated it....but I learn to live with it. Luckily when I got older the eczema started to go away, I would itch less, create less blisters under my skin, a decrease in infections...my skin has healed a lot

But now I am 14...puberty hit and have bad acne. I seen bad, but that is because other teenagers actually have bad acne...but for me I did this to myself. I created this ugly face of mine and I knew that most of the pimples, scars, bumps, bloody blisters I have on my face were not because of acne, I made it worse because I picked at it, and fully knew I was making it worse. I honestly just can't help it though. It bothers me, seeing the imperfection, seeing the scars. Every time I pick at them, removed the imperfections. My face would feel smooth, I would feel ok. I looked somewhat less dirty...but then the next day it would be even worse then before...and I when I see myself, I just feel gross, ugly. There is nothing right with me...but then I would just remove it...cause afterword I would feel better, seeing myself again with no mistakes. But I knew they were going to appear even worse tomorrow, I cared about it getting worse. But I not enough to stop. I tried to stop picking, I even tried to draw or listen to music to prevent my self from ruining my skin, but then I would see my self, hate how I look and pick once again.

Unfortunally I don't have acne just on my face, cause that is not the only spot I have my imperfections...they are everywhere on me, they are on my shoulders, my chest, my back, my hair. I know I am making it worse, but I hate seeing the bumps on me, I hate feeling the tiny mistakes, the pimples, the scars on me. It uncomfortable...but when I scratch them out, I would feel alright. Its gross but it was satisfying...taking off the dead skin, removing the pimples, it  was nice because I wouldn't feel as gross anymore, and i didn't feel the bumps on my skin, I would feel smooth and nice. but it just keep getting worse...and I won't stop it. I just can't.

And my hair...my hair is too much, too thick, too big, too messy. and the skin...under my hair...I have so much dandruff. and it pisses me off because its one of my imperfections, and an imperfection that never goes away. So I keep scratching, I keep watching the Deandra from my hair fall. Hoping I can just scratch out all of it, I hate seeing how dry my hair was, I hated seeing skin flakes in my hair...and I wouldn't stop, I could sit for hours, sitting on a table and just scratching out my hair. Trying to take out all the dandruff. It never stops, so I just keep doing it. It gone to a point where there will be a small piles of just dandruff on my table...sometimes I even create bleeding blisters in my scalp...but there would still be more dandruff and it makes me feel like shit. Don't get me wrong, I wash my hair, take care of it the best I can, but with a tendered scalp its hard without being in so much pain. But even so...I would still have so much dandra...it never ends, I hate it but I won't stop, I don't really know why I won't stop...but I have a guess.

When I pick, I don't just do it because it makes me feel more pretty...I also do it when I am bored or stressed out...maybe both. I don't fully know why its my coping mechanism to handle stress or boredom but I from what I feel...it just makes me feel better. It distracts me, it keeps my mind off of whatever negative feelings I have...because when I pick or scratch out of stress I feel nothing during the process...and I could sit there for hours doing it. And when I am done, whatever has been stressing me out or making me bored is away. Its like sleeping something off...its like passing the time for me, distracting me from thinking about upsetting thoughts or what not. I started doing it in school....I know people see me pick, I know they are grossed out. but in the process I just don't care because I am not thinking about anything, I don't think about anything good or bad...and I am fine with that... but later I just...can't help but feel like a disgusting person for doing so...and thus there is a cycle...i would feel disgusting, pick at my skin, feel better...but then feel disgusting again and repeat. I tried to break this cycle...my record was 5 days. 

I know I have a problem, and I think I will have it forever...I just wish I wouldn't do this but in the end I just don't care enough to stop, i want to stop...but I don't want to stop if that makes sense?