My secrets that are not really secret.

Mood

4/26/22

My brain is weird. Like one day I just be angry, and I take out that anger...then I be fine the next day.

So I will speak out my main process of how I will handle situations, and overcome them...that way it may help me get better. I am still somewhat angry at my ex, I do know that. Though my anger has only been increasing cause I haven't been able to express my sadness truly. Since I will never be able to express my sadness, my frustration level has been increasing which is causing me to become more spiteful and paranoid. I start to tell myself gruesome or depressing things about myself or about others in order to fill the void of emotional closure. Either I will tell myself that I am at fault, or instead I would start to make up hateful answers to my question of "why". This is so I could move on and stop questioning why. I've been so sad that I started to hated it, hated how clingy I was, hated how that I cared too much. So I started to reflect that anger onto my ex who doesn't really deserve it, or know about my thoughts of him,. Anyway, I did not like this, I don't actually like hating people. I told myself untrue statements in order to force myself to move on, to feel like "he never mattered", it made me feel a little bit better but didn't help me forget. Now I don't feel as good anymore, instead i am starting to rationalize my thoughts again, remove the anger from my brain. Its still not helping, I am still sad and confused...but I thought about it. That in reality it was probably me, he just wasn't happy and I remember telling myself that if he leaves cause he wasn't happy then that is ok. I need to tell myself again. I just wasn't good enough and he is happier now. I am still angry, but mostly angry about myself for giving up part of my dignity when I knew he wasn't going to stay very long, wish i never showed any sexual part of me. I knew it from the start, when my ex told me he still liked me. I told myself "He isn't going to stay, he can't handle relationships and you know that Amina.". But I still put myself through that out of desperation. I am angry at myself, I should had said "I don't love you." That way, he would be happier, and I wouldn't have gone through this emotional road trip, but no I was selfish. 

In reality, I was at fault, I knew from the start he was going to leave quick as soon as he started to be my boyfriend. But I risked it, I wasn't thinking logically. I have thought logically before when entering a relationship but I risked it this time and I learned my mistake. You can't hate someone who hates themselves already enough. Doesn't sit right. Though I most likely will still be pissed from him lying about loving me. And that makes me feel like I was being used for only sexual reasons. But that is the anger part of my brain talking. The truth is that he fell out of love quickly due to his own insecurities, and he just wasn't happy with me like he thought he would be. Teenagers do my split-second decisions that usually aren't the best decisions. He probably thought it was the best decisions but realized it wasn't too late. Which I can understand.

My friends, or well old friends now...they are fading away, I can already tell. Ceri has a hard time understanding me so that was an unstable friendship from the start. And Damien and Micah are moving on from me, which is a natural occurrence I must accept. It is best if I leave first, or remove interaction to lessen the possibility of me becoming upset at loosing close friends. I know I will start to feel abandoned once the socialization between then decreases so I must learn to bottle that feeling. Cause in the end it was about happen anyway.

These are my current thoughts, they might change, but I doubt they will. I must fade away on my own this time, and I must deprived of any negative thoughts about my ex. And only focus on my own flaws, in which he had no flaws, I just made mistakes.