The Lost Helianthus (COMPLETED)

Chapter Thirty Seven

My eyes lingered at Alek who's seriously looking at the road. The red light was visible on the stop light and I'm hoping he'll look at me even once, like what he usually does.

Nakita ko kung paanong tumiim ang bagang niya. Iniisip ko tuloy kung anong nagawa ko na naman na nagpainit ng ulo niya. He just picked me up at work. Hindi ko siya inutusan at nag-volunteer siya. Hindi ko mabasa ang nasa isip niya at natatakot na akong magtanong. What if he'll take it the wrong way and accused me of prying when I'm just concern?

Sinubukan kong alalahanin ang mga past interactions ko kasama siya. After no'ng away at paghingi ko ng tawad sa huli, wala naman nang nangyari. I tried to behave and avoid everything that will irritate him even just a little.

"Alek?" Mahina kong sabi. Lumingon siya sa akin at nawala ang ekspresyon niya na ikinabahala ko segundo palang ang lumilipas.

"Yes?" His tensed face relaxed a bit.

I sighed. That calm me a bit.  "Are you okay?" Concern kong tanong. Mukhang hindi siya okay, pero gusto ko pa ring itanong. I want him to know that I care. Baka mamaya ay pwede niyang i-open up sa akin ang gumugulo sa isipan niya ngayon. Baka matulungan ko siya... Pinatay ko ang pag-iisip na umuusbong sa likurang bahagi ng utak ko.

A part of me wants to help, a part of me pleads to stop my mouth from asking. I'm afraid he'll concede that  I'm his problem. I'm THE problem that's been consummating him.

He smiled. Nahigit ko ang hininga ko nang lumapit siya para halikan ako sa labi. Something he never did for a long time and only now I have realized I badly miss it. "What made you think I'm not okay, huh?" Ngumiti siya ulit sa akin nang sobrang lawak.

Pinalitan ng berdeng ilaw ang kaninang pula na nagpalayo kay Alek at ituon muli ang atensyon sa pagmamaneho.

"That's a relief," I commented. Nakita ko ang pananatili ng ngiti niya kahit hindi na siya nakatingin pa sa akin. Mukhang wala na ang iniisip niya kanina.

Naghari ang katahimikan na siyang binasag ko pagkaraan nang ilang minuto. Isang bagay na pinagsisisihan ko. I should have stopped. I should have been satisfied with that. That the uncomfortable silence I am not contented with... that silence I tried to change morphed into hurting words that pierced into my body, making me numb and wanting to be deaf for a while. Until that mouth of him stops talking.

"Are we okay though?" I mumbled softly. 

I know. It's not only him that grew distant but also I. We are still talking... but there's still a huge gap, a wall between us. Hindi ko alam kung paano at bakit nangyari iyon. We need to talk about it. Gusto ko na maibalik kami sa dati pero hindi ko alam kung papaanong paraan.

Our relationship progresses and changes. Kung titignan sa public, hindi halata. The reason was it's dwindling... changing gradually but if you inspect us thoroughly it is really noticeable.

And I want us to go back to before. When eveything was just sunshines and drizzles. When storms and cloudy days rarely visits.

I want my Alek back. I want my old self back.

I saw him stiffen with my question and hold he held the steering wheel tightly, his nerves protruding.

Natakot ako nang mamula ang mukha niya at galit na itinabi ang sasakyan sa isang gilid.

More than the illegal parking violation we will get from an enforcer, what scares me more was the face he's making right now.  Like a dormant volcano releasing his temper after a long period of time, sending forth destruction to my mind and heart.

I yelped when he slammed his hand on the wheel. Gigil niya akong tinignan na parang nababanas na siya sa akin. "Ano na namang klaseng tanong iyan, Sol?! Why are you asking me that all of the sudden?"