The Lost Helianthus (COMPLETED)

Epilogue

I woke up disoriented. I opened my eyes, only to close it again. I heard a beep and felt there's something on my nose. Hindi ko agad napagtanto kung nasaan ako dahil medyo malabo ang paningin ko. But considering the smell of alcohol and medicine, I am sure this is the hospital.

I don't know how long I slept. My throat is very dry... kaya baka napasobra talaga. I'm thirsty and famished too. Ang sakit rin ng likod ko.

Hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mga mata na makapag-adjust sa paligid at nang medyo umayos na ang paningin ko ay agad kong inilibot ang tingin sa paligid. I closed my eyes firmly when I confirmed it's the ICU room.

I roamed my eyes again and spotted Tori sleeping on a chair. Napangiwi ako sa kaiisip kung hindi pa siya nangamgawit sa puwesto niya. Iniangat ko ang kamay ko para abutin siya at nang magawa ko ay agad siyang naalimpungatan.

It was successful. I watched how her eyes opened wide when she saw me awake. Walang sabi-sabi siyang tumayo at lumabas para tumawag ng doctor o nurse.

When she went back, she eyed me and her voice quivered. "You were in a coma state for three days."

That's what she said that rendered me speechless. Not only because of the dryness of my throat, but because I don't know what to say.

They say it's good to know that people are worried about you, but not in my case.

Hindi ko na siya natignan pa dahil pumasok na ang mga nurse at doctor para asikasuhin ako.

After that, my friends tend me. Nasa akin lang ang atensyon nila at hindi nila inaalis iyon. They helped me recover and never talked about the accident again. It's like everything that happened was a taboo.

Ang nangyari sa akin ay hindi alam ng pamilya ko. Pinili ng mga kaibigan ko na isikreto iyon dahil alam nilang ayaw ko na malaman nina Mama ang kabobohan na ginawa ko. Walang komprontasyon na nangyari. Nagpatuloy lang ulit ang buhay.

But... that didn't make me feel light. It made the weight inside me heavier.

I was supposed to be dead... but I'm brought back to life. I love Science but sometimes, it's also scary. Especially when it hinders your plan.

I cannot look at my friends' eyes again nor have the courage to talk to them. Just seeing their misty eyes reminds me of the guilt and disappointment that piled inside of me.

I want to try again. Attempt another stupid plan but seeing how they only suffer, I prohibited myself.

Pinili ko na lang na tumahimik... at gawin ang mga gusto nila.

I continue to live, even when I'm no longer alive.

I thought what I'm feeling will continue to worsen but I forgot that things never last. That change is the only thing that is permanent. And this suffering is not exempted to the rule.

I also thought hope will be deeply burrowed inside of me and soon be forgotten, that's when I found out I'm wrong the whole time. It's just delayed. Like this e-mail that was sent two weeks after I was discharged from the hospital.

For the first time after what happened,  finally smiled.

Masyadong mabilis ang pangyayari at nakita ko na lang ang sarili kong naayos na ang flight details at naglalagay ng mga damit sa maleta ko. Reva was in my room to help me out.

"Babalik ka pa naman 'di ba?" May pag-iingat sa boses niya na hinaluan ng pag-asa.

Ngumiti na lang ako at hinaplos ang buhok niya. I won't give her an answer that is not concrete and I won't fulfill.

"I won't promise anything now. Babalik pa ba ako dito? Hindi ko alam. Pero babalik ako sa dati, I am sure I can do that. It will take some time, but I can perceive it."

I'm leaving and with my departure, I hope I can finally find my niche. Somewhere that can welcome me and I can welcome.

Somewhere that can make me embrace myself again. Make me feel alive and jolly again.

Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Reva. No one dared to speak a word but we understand each other.

Our eyes were hopeful.

Ngayon ay desidido na akong bumangon at mabuhay muli. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi lang ako ang naghihintay na mangyari iyon... marami pa diyan. Marami pang naghahangad para sa kalagayan ko.

I smiled as I zipped my bag.

I am going to be my old self again and I'm going to find it.

I can't wait to find it.

***** ********
Completed, but not yet ended. ; >