The Lost Helianthus (COMPLETED)

Chapter Thirty Eight

I didn't go to work today. I didn't cry yesterday. Pinagod ko lang ang sarili ko kahapon sa pagtratrabaho para maitulog ko na lang pagkarating ko sa higaan ko. I don't want to feel those kind of emotions because doing so, it only means that I'm accepting that there's nothing I can do but weep.

Ngayon na wala akong ginagawa kung hindi humiga at walang plano sa buhay ay paulit-ulit na sumusulpot sa isipan ko ang pangyayari. Wala na akong nagawa pa nang bigla na lang may tumulong isang butil ng luha hanggang magtuloy-tuloy na.

I kept wiping the tears that freshly flowed from my face but I cannot stop my eyes from producing another batch. I cannot control it like how I cannot stop what happened thus, breaking my heart into pieces.

It was my optimistic pretense to blame. I was really a pessimistic person at hindi ko alam kung bakit lumalaban pa rin ako kahit na wala na talagang pag-asa pa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit lumalaban pa ako kahit malinaw naman na wala nang pag-asa mula nang mapagtanto ko iyon. Kahit masakit na, nagbubulag-bulagan ako.

Wala eh.

Nagiging tanga yata tayo sa pag-ibig talaga.

I coughed as I choked on my saliva when I find it getting harder to breathe. Agad akong umahon para hampasin ang dibdib ko. Ang sakit.

After filling my lungs with enough air that can keep me through, I shifted my eyes into the jar full of dried petals. Those were the flowers he gave this past few months.

I began collecting them, not wasting a piece of the flowers when what seems to be always becomes rare. I dare not to talk; I just appreciate what's given to me.

That's one of the moments I knew.

I'm glad I treasured them. That I got to keep what's given even though I couldn't have the person who gave it to me anymore.

There are more drastic changes that I tried not to notice... because I'm afraid. Na hindi lang iyon simple at normal na pagbabago na nangyayari sa isang relasyon. Na hindi lang lumalabas talaga ang tunay na ugali ng isang tao paglipas ng ilang taon.

Nagbago na talaga ang patutunguhan ng relasyon namin.

Those times I enjoyed while riding his car. Whenever the red light beams, he stops just to turn his head and focus on me like I'm his world. At ako na sinasabayan rin siya sa pagtingin din sa mata niya dahil siya ang araw ko gaya ng sinasabi niya. I revolve around him. My plans, my dreams, and inspirations. Kasama siya sa lahat ng iyon.

Iyong dating paborito kong pagsandal sa dibdib niya dahil rinig na rinig ko ang mabilis na pagtibok ng puso niya na ako ang dahilan, itinigil ko. I was scared when I did it once and it didn't beat the same rhythm I'm always looking forward for. Duwag ako dahil natatakot akong alamin na hindi lang iyon nagkataon. That I no longer excite him anymore. I don't give him the same thrill anymore. That he no longer loves me like how I do.

Then that fear became reality.

He fell out of love.

Sobrang sakit pa rin kahit na kapansin-pansin na sa nagdaan na wala ng pag-asa. Puro away lang. Magbabati pero wala na iyong pagmamahal.

I am still in pain even if I already knew the warning signs. I ran from all what I imagined to be the ending of this fucking mess because I'm scared I'll get hurt. Pinili kong lumaban pero sa dulo, nasaktan pa rin ako.

Now I'm wondering if he's hurting the way I do. If he's feeling hopeless too. If he's not, if he's okay and unaffected, sana bumisita sa isip niya na nasasaktan ako. Sana pumunta siya dito at daluhan ako sa paghihirap. He might be the one who inflicted this pain but only he can relieve it.