(Die)ry.

Easter 2015

1:12pm
Today is Easter Sunday. Today we are having an Easter picnic at the park, but it's also a surprise party for my Mom's birthday, which was March 21st. Today I am going to need a drink.

3:41pm
The party went pretty well. We had cupcakes and KFC and I got to play with the babies. We hid Easter eggs I helped the 1yr old baby girl find them. It was a really good day. It's days like these that make feel like there's a little bit of hope left. I have had some bad depression issues on days like these before, but today was different. Anytime I get to be around the babies I get a little bit happier.

Now, it might seem stupid, but I just get this feeling that babies or even toddlers can sense another person's, I guess some people would call it aura, I call it emotions. Some babies can be cheery around another person who seems upset, sometimes causing them to be happier. Or a cheery baby can be around an upset person & then they get upset & start to cry. Some people think that's how to tell what type of person the baby will become. Either a person who shares the same emotions and can be brought down easily or the type who can be the picker-upper of the group. I just start to think when I'm around the babies that I need to try and be happier and more energetic with them, because, honestly, I don't want them to end up as sad as me or have the same mental illnesses as me.

I'm not saying I had a bad childhood, because, just like most people, I did have a few problems here & there, but I think some things could have prevented my illness from being so bad. I'm not saying you have to have a bad past to have these types of problems; anxiety & depression. I know a guy who had a great home life. His parents loved him & his sister adored him, but something just wasn't okay with him. He had things going on that nobody knew about. He killed himself when he was either 15 or 16 years old. I just don't want to contribute any more to the problems they could have. I want them to be happy. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I'm trying to explain myself thoroughly.

We went to the grave yard a few minutes ago to visit my papaw & the twins who died before they were born. We spent some time walking around looking at the other, older graves of some people our family knew. I started thinking to myself, "What if I was to do it?"

Our family has a little fence set up around the two graves that we visit a lot. We take things up there for holidays & we keep it looking real nice. They aren't forgotten about. I wonder if it would be like that for me. I mean, I know my place would be taken care of, & it's not even really that, because I know I'd be gone & it wouldn't even really faze me, but it's just nice to think that people would have a place to go to get closure with me. I have family who love me, but they don't always acknowledge myself or my personal life at all. Most of the time I'm invisible. I don't have any friends, except, like, 1 or 2. I know a lot of people would claim to miss me & talk about how much they loved me & knew me, even though, & I've seen it before, they really aren't being truthful. I haven't been to school since January & only 2 people have noticed my absence.

I wonder how they would feel if I did kill myself & left a note saying not to be sad or angered by my death, but to do as they have always done & simply act as if they never knew me. Hmm...I wonder how they would feel...if they would feel.