(Die)ry.

6/20/2015

Last night was one of THE MOST eye opening & worst nights of my whole existence. I never want to relive it ever again. If I could, I would go back. I would go back weeks & just make it all go away.

What was I supposed to do?

I just went with it. I just agreed to it all, because I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted his pain to stop. I wanted him to stop crying & stop begging for forgiveness. I wanted him to stop. I wanted to forget about him. I still do.

He says he loves me, but I know he can't. I can't be loved. I just can't. There is no way he loves me. He doesn't know what loving me is. He thinks he does, but I know he doesn't. Loving me isn't real.

I hate this. I wish it would go away. There is no love for me. I can't love him either. I can't. Love isn't real for me. It's just something other people have that I wish was real for me.

He ran away crying about his love for me. About his life. About not wanting to lose me. About me. He just didn't see it all clearly though. He didn't see that he wasn't in love with me.

I can't leave him though. I promised I wouldn't. . . And now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck with him & there's nothing I can do about it. I made my bed & now I have to lie in it. I hate this. I wish I could leave. I don't want him. I don't wanna be with him. I don't wanna fake my love for him.

He needs me though. I'm all he has. I don't know why he chose me though I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't want to fuck this up anymore. He needs help. I can only help him so much though.

I'm nothing for him.

I'm nothing.

He doesn't need me.

He shouldn't want me.

Why?