(Die)ry.

6/30/2015

I'm not afraid of love. I anticipate, anxiously, falling in love, because of what it leads to. Being in love is what terrifies me beyond belief. I won't let myself fall in love, because I don't believe that anybody can truly, be madly, deeply, & honestly in love with me.

I'm not saying I don't believe in it, because that's not true. I believe in love. I believe in it and I support it. All loves. I just don't believe that I can be loved. Maybe I can by friends or by family. People can love me, but as far as being in love with me...?

It's not possible to me.

I don't say this to get your pity or sad looks and I'm not saying this to "fish for compliments" either. I'm just telling you this, because, well, you're all I have. I've already admitted this all to myself and, to me, it's what I know, but I needed to "put it into writing" as some would say. Maybe to just have it off my chest, I don't really know, but here it is.

Why do I feel this way?

It's simple....maybe....

To me, I believe that everybody has that one true love. The one person that you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. The one person who was made for you and vice versa. A soulmate I suppose.

And as cliché as it sounds, it's true. That is what I believe.

I believe everybody has that. I just think, and bare with me on this, because I'm only being honest with you about myself, I think that maybe my person, my soulmate, my one true love, has died already. I feel as if there is no one for me anymore. This might sound dumb to all of you, but I don't really care because this is what I feel and it doesn't effect you.

When people have certain things in their life that are too difficult to deal with and they decide on another way out of it besides the "normal" medications or therapy treatment....I'm not gonna sugar coat this anymore.

When somebody takes their own life, as sad as it might be to hear, I believe they have taken away all chances of their soul mate to ever have them and to ever be with their true love.

I believe that my one true love has taken their own life. I will never see them or find them because they are no longer living.

See? It sounds dumb, doesn't it?

I can't help it though. This is how I feel. I know that if you knew me in person then I'd be able to explain this better to you and you could see it in my eyes that I'm not just playing you for a fool. I'm not just saying this because I haven't found that person yet either. I just have this feeling. I feel like there isn't anyone for me anymore. I really do. It's not the dumb, "I haven't found them so they must not exist, & I should probably give up." It's not that. I just truly feel as if my person is gone.

I know there is no way to prove this to you or myself, but I don't need to. I know what I know.

It's a possible thing too. Somebody takes their life & they're taking all possibilities of ever finding love away from themselves and their person. So, some people are left without their person. Eventually that other person finds somebody else, but it's not the one who was made originally in design for them.

I know you probably don't agree with me at all. And that's okay honestly. I hope you have more hope and faith in yourself. That's good to have. I'm not trying to hurt you or change your mind, I'm just stating my known facts.

I feel so dumb for even telling you all of this but it's too late now. I'm not taking it back. This is me. It's real. It's who I am and what I believe. To me, it's like a sixth sense. I feel like they are already gone. It sucks but I can do anything but wait to be proven wrong.

I'd like to be wrong honestly. I don't want my one true love to be gone. I know that when you're meant for somebody then that's it. It's them you're for. They are yours and you are theirs. There is no coming in between. That's beautiful to me. I want that. I just have no hope left for it. I don't believe that I can be one of those people.

Nobody can truly, madly, deeply be in love with me, because my person is gone. Everyone who claims otherwise & claims to be that person is wrong to me. They are just wasting their time on me. I can't let them do that for too long because then they'll take even longer to find their person. I'll let them stay for a little while because they need that love and closure until they find their one. I'm okay with that. I want that love and closure for a bit too. I still can't keep them though. That would be wrong. That would be taking somebody's one. I couldn't do that.

Like I said before, I know this all seems dumb to you, & that's okay, but I can't change that.

So, to sum it all up, I guess I'm just not destined for true love anymore. My person, as I believe, is gone. I won't let myself fall in love because I don't want to take away somebody else's person. I don't want to waste too much of their time on someone like me, who isn't for them.

Idiotic, I know. But, oh well, that's me. I'm an idiot. An idiot for a love I will never have.

Please share with me your thoughts on love. Any thoughts at all is okay with me. Call me dumb too, I don't care. I can't be persuaded otherwise though.