(Die)ry.

7/25/2015

I want change.

But I don't just want it; I have to have it. I have to have what all I need to be happier. These things I need are short of a miracle... But maybe, just maybe, I can be my own miracle. I have to have these things. I have to have change. I don't want to be the same me anymore.

As cliché as it sounds, it's true. I want to be a happier, healthier, better me. I want to actually be me again. The antique me. The more hopeful me. The wiser me. The happier me. The real me. I want me back.

The only way I can have these things is if I try.

Try, try, and try again.

I want to be healthier; mentally, emotionally, physically, and maybe down the road, spiritually. I am currently working on the mental and emotional state of healthy. I need to begin the physical state. And I need to begin it now.

I don't want this because everybody else wants to see me this way, because to everybody else it's about seeing me differently and being less uncomfortable and less embarrassed around me. They don't want this for me to become happier with myself. It's about them.

I want this for me. Not for them. Fuck them!

What's so damn great about making them happy anyways? I've spent most of my life trying to please others and I'm sick to death of it. I will be a better me for me and nobody else.

I want to wake up in the morning feeling less tired, less sad, less scared about what the day brings. I want to be able to be around other people and not feel so threatened or useless or even sick. I want to be able to look into the mirrors and finally see myself.

Not the me that is only physical, but the me that is so much more than a body and face. I want to see myself smile without faking it.

I want change.

But I don't just want it; I have to have it.