(Die)ry.

4/20/2015

Warning: This chapter contains underage drinking & shear stupidity on my part. I have a fucking problem. (I love alcohol, that's my fucking problem😝) I know I'm underage as well, but then again, everybody is a dumb/rebel teenager at some point. Right?

Yes, I know. I'm updating on "4/20 Blaze It!" 😑 But let's try to stay with the point here; I think I might have a slight drinking problem. I know it's weird to be writing a chapter about my drinking on 4/20, but here we are. I bring this up because, firstly, my brother had court this morning for missing 53 days of school, unexcused, & he's a die hard stoner. Secondly, I might've attended a party Friday night & got completely wasted, no smoking or drugs, just drinking. I have another appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow at 1pm & I honestly don't know if I'll even tell her about it. I needed to vent somehow though. So, I chose you kind people, who, might I add, don't vote or comment on my chapters, but anywaaaaaaay. Back to my drinking problem.

I think I'm subconsciously looking for a way out. Something like a get away car. I don't actually have a job or a car or money, so why not escape my reality by drinking. (Smh) I know how stupid I sound right now. I get it, but I'm only speaking the truth. I have come to like drinking a lot more than I should. I literally want to do it every weekend now. It makes me forget about my problems. Just for a little bit though. AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING... being a drinker with Anxiety is not the best option when you know you have panic attacks. The smallest topic of stress could set you off & that on top of alcohol? Not a smart mix. I had a panic attack Friday night & scared the hell out of my friends.

The two worst parts? I don't remember a damn thing & I still want to drink more.

I almost feel like I'm taking a step back. I go get help from a psychiatrist, but then I also start drinking. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know I have Anxiety, but I didn't know it could trigger other problems like this. I never thought I'd turn to drinking. My grandparents were drinkers, my mom & dad did their fair share of it then they were young (drinking & smoking), AND my 17 year old brother is an upcoming alcoholic/stoner.

Great family health tree, right?

I need help. I have an appointment on June 1st for medication. I might get put on anti-depressants or Anxiety medication, I'm not sure.

😩😩😭😭🌊🌊🐋🐋
I don't wanna have these problems. I mean, who the hell wants problems!? I just wish I could be stronger with dealing with them. I know I'm either gonna tear myself down so far that I can't be brought back up again or I'm gonna hurt somebody else.

I had four people taking care of me Friday night. I don't remember anything, but from what I was told, I wasn't the easiest person to hang out with. I wasn't hurting anybody or anything like that, but I was talking a lot & being really emotional. First, I'm giggling & happy & loud as hell. Then, I'm crying & saying sorry for things, such as being annoying, & begging for forgiveness. Lastly, I was being stubborn & wouldn't get out of this dude's car because I wanted to go with them to get Tea from Fat Farm, & was refusing to go to sleep. At one point, I even tried to run away. 😑😩 I can be a lot of fun while drinking & hanging out, but I think we just needed more alcohol.

I know that sounds dumb af. I have a good reason for saying that though. If we would have been somewhere more exclusive (no neighbors or anybody close by) then we could've been louder without the fear of being caught. Plus, if we would have had more alcohol then everybody would have drank as much as me & nobody would have noticed that I was becoming more & more irritating, because we all would have been becoming more irritating.

Everybody would be having fun & getting along great. It would have been like an actual party instead of just a little get together. Because, I, apparently can't just have a drink or two. I need a while fucking case just to make myself happy. That's sad. It's sad & slightly pathetic. I can handle my alcohol pretty well too. It takes quite a bit to get me drunk & I never end up sick or hungover. Sure, I'll be tired as fuck the next day, but being tired & being hungover are completely different things. I never have a headache or throw up. I'm just exhausted & sleepy.

Another thing I've noticed about my drinking is that I never drink anything during or after, that's not alcoholic. I end up dehydrated from lack of water. I drank alcohol that night & they tried sobering me up with kool-aid, that's the only thing we had, & that was only two cups. I didn't have anything to drank at all on Saturday or Sunday. That's not smart or healthy. I admit that.

I drank half a Dr. Pepper today though. Yay me...😑😩

I hate myself sometimes.

We were cleaning up today & found a beer bottle, which I didnt even drink, by the way, & just the smell of it made me want another one. In a way. Part of me wanted to throw it at a wall, because I knew I couldn't remember shit when I was drinking & I was being kind of stupid. The other part of me wanted to drink another one to forget what I ready couldn't remember. I know one thing for sure though; I wouldn't have survived the night at all if it weren't for my friends. If I hadn't have had them with me & I would have been doing it somewhere else with somebody else, then I wouldn't have been taken care of & I'd probably be used & thrown away by now. So, a special Thank you to them for being there for me. 🙏❤️💋

I know I can't always use my Anxiety as an excuse for the things I do, because like I said before; People have their dumb/rebel teenage years/moments & they make mistakes. They also learn from them though. I learn things everyday. Things schools or parents or teachers could never teach me. Life lessons that only reality can teach. I don't plan on being perfect because that's impossible. I do plan on making more mistakes & learning from them though. I have to make choices in life. Everybody does.

I am not promoting underage drinking at all. I am just telling you the truth about how I have been dealing with certain things. Anxiety isn't easily taken care of & I'm not saying drinking or doing drugs or not being safe, sexually or any other way, is the answer. I'm just saying that you should make mistakes. When you have Anxiety it feels like there is no way out & you'll do almost anything to get away from it, so be as smart as you can about your choices. Your choices can either build you or break you & with Anxiety you're already breaking enough.