(Die)ry.

6/17/2015

It doesn't matter what I do anymore; I am always at fault.

I have tried to let myself be happy & let myself see the good in where I am with all of this, but it doesn't matter. I have seen the good & I have felt the happy & I am still right back at the beginning. I thought I could actually put myself through this wonderful, new experience & come out on top of my faults, but they're just way too heavy & I'm just way too weak.

I now only see the bad in all of this. I only see what I have destroyed in such a good person. It's okay though, because I know he doesn't actually love me. I've saved him from wasting anymore time on something that is not worth it.

Me. I saved him from me.

I should've saved him sooner though. I should've saved him from the embarrassment of even being acquainted with me. Now he'll only regret wasting his affection on somebody so useless. I should've left it alone when I first had thought put in my head. I shouldn't have listened to anybody else. They meant well, but they were wrong. I was just too dumb to see it.

Now, it takes so much out of me to not cry every two seconds. He only thinks he loves me though. He doesn't.

So, now it shouldn't be too hard knowing it's not going to really hurt him. He's going to be fine. It'll be like it never was. I'll still be me & he'll still be him from Before Me.

I thought I was happy with him. I know he brought me happiness & I believe he could bring happiness to anybody else, but knowing that he was wasting his time on me when he couldn't really love me was what caused me to not feel so happy anymore. I know I never made him happy either. I'm not special. So, I couldn't have. I was...

I am...Nothing.

Nothing but a waste of affection.

I just hate everything so much now. I hate that I can't make him happy, but only think he's happy, when he can do better. I hate that I am looked at & known as a whore & trashy. I hate that those weren't my intentions, but I still fucked it up & made myself out to be that. I hate that I never even did anything to deserve those names or give any reason to have people think that I am what they think I am.

I hate how this whole thing has turned out. I hate myself. I hate my Anxiety.

My Anxiety hates me..

I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO WITH MYSELF ANYMORE!