(Die)ry.

9/10/2015

*I'm hiding under a bed and I'm holding a baby. She only looks a few months old. She's wrapped in a pink blanket and it looks like blood splatters across the chest of her blanket. There's drops of blood on her face, small drops, scattered around her tear stained cheeks. She's peaceful though. She's still breathing.

I look around me as I clutch the baby to my chest, and the only thing I see is a faint light coming from the hallway. The door is shut and I can see shadows outside the door moving quickly. I hear doors slamming and yelling and moving. I can feel my heart beating fast, too fast. It feels like the room is closing in and this bed will collapse on my at any moment. It feels tight and hot. I'm sweating. I can feel the wetness in the palm of my hands. When I look down through the darkness, I see blood on the hands that hold the baby.

I can feel my pulse in my fingers now. My heart feels like a bass drum underneath my body, against the floor. I'm almost afraid the people on the other side of the door will hear it if it gets any louder. My breathing is becoming erratic, and yet, the baby is still so peaceful. I try to calm myself for the sake of the baby.

Whoever is on the outside of the door is going to kill us, or worse. I don't remember what has led up to this. I don't know whose bed I'm under, or whose baby I'm holding, or even who those loud people are on the outside of that door. What I do know, is that I've fought hard, because my legs are weak, but my arms slightly weaker. I have blood all over me and my tears are still trying to escape my eyes. The people on the other side of the door are getting louder, angrier, and their footsteps are getting closer and heavier.

I know I have to protect myself and this baby. My heart is hurting, my head is aching. I reach up to touch my temple and feel blood running from my hair line. I slowly raise the baby closer to my chest. "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay." I kiss the babies forehead.

"Just come out already! Nobody is going to hurt you."

"You're safe with us."

"We're police officers, honey. We know you have it."

I look down at the baby. She's awake this time and she's looking up at me, she's smiling. I smile back to her.

"If you just lay it on the bed and open the door slowly, we'll get you out of here safely."

"Can you do that for us?"

I slide across the floor and get up from underneath the bed. I kiss the babies forehead again, and she smiles up at me again. I gently lay her on the bed. I look down at her one last time and tell her, "I told you we would be okay." I turn to open the door and I can feel my heart beat picking up again. I'm finally free of this nightmare. I'm gonna be safe again!

I slowly open the door and there it is. A stream of flash lights in my face and officers running in behind me.

The next thing I know, an officer comes out from behind me holding an ax wrapped in a pink blanket...

I'm sitting in the back seat of the cop car as I watch the body bags being brought out one by one. Different sizes and shapes. I feel relieved that I'm finally free now. I just wanna go home. I don't want to have to remember this.

An officer comes up to the window. "Do you remember anything that happened tonight ma'am?"

I curtly nod my head "no" and look down at my lap. I don't see my hands...

"Do you know the family that lived here?"

Where are my hands? I try wiggling my fingers and feel them poking my back...

"There were seven people in that house. There is one missing, Lela..."

I look up at him. Everything is zeroing in on him. My heart beat is racing again. My stomach is turning and thrashing about. "I feel like I'm going to be sick."

"Where is the baby at?"

I feel bile rising up in my throat. "The bed. I left her on the bed."

"No, Lela. You left the ax on the bed. You wrapped the ax in the baby blanket..."

"No. I couldn't have.."

"You killed them, Lela. You killed six people."

"I didn't though! I didn't.."

"You did! You killed them and the baby is missing."

I can't do this. I didn't do anything wrong! Why can't I remember anything? Who are these people? I can't breathe!

"I can't breathe."

"Where did you hide the baby?"

"I can't bre..I'm gonna be sick. I can't..."

"Tell me where you hid the baby!"

" I didn't do this! I didn't do what you say! I didn't kill these people! I didn't! I couldn't have!"

"You're a killer, Lela. You're a murderer. A monster."

"No."

"You're going away."

"No!"

"You're going to hell. Nobody will love you anymore."

"I didn't do it though." I'm so sick. I taste tears. So much blood and salt. I can't breathe. The taste of blood is overbearing. It's blocking my airway. I can't see straight. There are spots everywhere. I keep hearing his voice...

You're a monster
You're going far away
Nobody will love you
You killed those people

I can't breathe anymore. I'm hyperventilating! I taste blood and salt. I'm sweating and bleeding from my head. I can't see anymore! It's all closing up! It's black! It's dark and cold! It's gone.*

That's how I woke up this morning.