To the One I Loved

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Yes or No?

Nina's POV:

Today is Thursday, December 18, 2015. Three exact weeks since I told Alex about my suspicions. I've been eating alot more, lately, than I used to. I don't know if I'm bouncing back from chemo, or if it's the potential human-being growing inside of me.

I don't know whether I'm scared, happy, or sad. I'm also really scared that if it's true, it will upset my dad. And then he will walk out on us again, and Paul won't get to have the perfect family that he's longed for since he was a little boy, and I'd do anything to make Paul happy.

I stand in front of the mirror. I have my pants and bra on, but my shirt is sitting on the edge of the bed. I look into the mirror. I guess you could say I'm not as skinny as I used to be, but that's because I've been eating so much. And anyways, I needed to hurry and get ready. Alex said that he'd be here at 6:30 and it's 5 and I have something I needed to do before he got here.

I pick up my shirt of the bed and slip it on. I was wearing a pair of Alex's black sweats and my v-neck, plain, pink shirt. Then I pick up the small little shoe box I had intended to use on Alex's letters, but everything happened so fast, an before I could make them all nice and pack them away for him, I was already in the hospital.

I also know that he doesn't want me to be writing these letters, but I'm going to die, and everyhting we've been through, just since I got out of the hospital, I just feel like I'm going to be responsible for letting him fall in love with me and then dying on him. He told me that our love will last forever, but will it really? It doesn't feel like it, because I'm going to die.

Even if I do happen to be apart of the very small percentage of pregnant cancer women, a baby won't change my death sentence. It'll only make it worse. If I die while carrying the baby, Alex would be devastated, and if I die and left him with the baby...what if he or she looked like me? What if Alex couldn't even look them in the eyes because it'd be too painful?

No matter what, I feel so guilty for what I'm doing. For ruining his life piece by piece. Maybe I could just, I don't know. Cure myself? I can't be pregnant, and I can't let Alex fall in love with me anymore, but it's so hard. I love him more than anything in the world. Words can't even explain how my life has changed since he came and it continues to give me that awful feeling of butterflies.

But I love him. And I love him way to much to leave him with nothing. So I continued to write the letters anyway. And I want to right one to day. A before and after the pregnancy test, type-thing. So, I pull out my laptop, and start to write. All of the other letters I've written, I typed them up, printed them off, folded them and placed them in this shoe box. Then I begin to write.

I get about five paragraphs before I hear the door open downstairs. I grab my black sweatshirt and put it on. Then I slip my phone into Alex's sweatpants. The story of how I first obtained these pants is actually kind of funny.

I was at Alex's house going through his draws of clothes. Then I came across these pants. I told him that they looked really comfortable and that I wanted them. He said that I could put them on while we watched movies together that night. But then I wore them home. The next day I told him that I had them and that I was going to keep them, and he said that he already knew.

That was one of our best dates. We just snuggled on his couch and watched Netflix and ate pizza and oreos all night. I was brought back from my memory when my mom called me from downstairs. "Nina, honey," she said, "Alex is here!" I closed my computer, grabbed a twenty dollar bill out of my purse, stuffed it into my pants pocket, slipped on my pink flip-flops, and headed downstairs.

Then I walked down to find Alex at the bottom and my mom and dad cuddled on the couch watching tv. And they had my mickey mouse cover. "Hey," I said, "That's my cover, thank you very much."

My dad laughed. "Oh, well we'll try our best not to breath on it our anything." Then my mom laughed, too.

"Yeah, honey," she said, "We'll keep it clean."

"Ha. Ha," I say, "Very funny." Then I turn to leave with Alex. I pull out my phone and the time reads 6:45. "I'll be back by eight," I call out as I close the door behind me, and letting the screen door shut itself.

Alex and I get into the car. He doesn't start it right away. He just sits there. "If its positive," he says, "What are we going to tell our parents?"

"We can't tell them, at least not until I start to become fat," I say, "They'd freak. It was only three weeks ago they lectured us on being safe with sex and now we might be pregnant!"

He nods. By this point I'm freaking out and he can tell. He takes my hand. "Whatever you think is best," he says, "And I'll be right behind you. All the way."

I want to cry. Alex is so loving and caring. And he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. But if I do cry, he'll think something is wrong. And I guess there is something wrong. I don't deserve him. He deserves more than me. I hate to say it, but he deserves someone like Beth. Maybe he deserves Beth herself.

"I love you," he says, "You know that, right?" He smiles at me.

I nod, "I love you, too," then I kiss him. Then as we pull away, he puts the key in the ignition, starting the car, and we head out for Walgreens.

---

When we pull up in the Walgrenns driveway, Alex stops the car. But neither one of us get out. "Okay," he says, "This is it." I nod, and let out a big breath.

Then his car door opens, he pops out and it closes back. He walks in front of the car, coming to my side, and opens my door for me. I know to wait in the car until he opens my door. He likes to do that...a lot. Even if we're not on a date. He says I'm his princess and princesses don't have to get out of the car themselves. Which is really sweet.

Then we head inside of the pharmacy. Alex holds my hand. We were walking through the feminine isle where they keep the all the pads and tampons. Then a male clerk, who was obviously gay, because he was checking out my boyfriend! He walked up to us. "Can I help you find anything today?" He asked Alex, looking right over me.

"Um, yes," I said, "We are looking for pregnancy tests." I emphasized the word we, so he'd know that we were together. Alex laughed.

"Yes, but we want you're best, most accurate tests possible," Alex said. The clerk smiled at him.

"Follow me," he said. So we did. We were close to the right isle, only one more over. And he showed the line of pregnancy tests. "So you want the most accurate?" He says.

"Yup," Alex nods. I'm so nervous I don't even pay attention to what brand he grabs. I just know the box is white and purple, and it's now in Alex's hand.

I'm walking with Alex down the aisle to the register. One register is closed but the other is open and there's a long line. The clerk who just helped us whispers something to Alex and Alex follows him to the closed cash register and I trail behind.

After we check out, we go back to the car. "Okay," Alex says, "We could maybe go to the bathroom at that gas station over there." He points to the Speedway across the street.

I nod, "That's fine," I say, in a quiet whisper. Then he pulls off and across the street into the gas station parking lot.

We both get out of the car, but this time I open the door for myself, not waiting for him. "Really?" He asks. Then he laughs, I guess to lighten the mood, but that doesn't help. We go inside, and ask for the bathroom key. The bathrooms are the nasty kinds that are outside, but still connected to the building.

We both go into the one-gender bathroom. Alex opens the box and pulls out one of the tests. "Okay," I say, "I know how it works, just---uh, turn around."

He hands me the test and turns around. I do what I have to do, and then I hold the test. We have to wait ten minutes before the result comes.

While passing the time, I text Beth. For some read reason, our texts have gotten so far off subject, we were talking about what Nina Dobrev would being wearing in whatever type of weather it is that she is having.

By the time we start texting about Candice Accola, Alex tells me time's up. I look at the test. Then my eyes well up with tears. It's positive.