Endlessly trying... (gonkillu)

Chapter 4

(Killuas pov)

Zushi and I finished the weed. I was tired and felt kinda uncomfortable at the party, knowing at any minute I could run into Gon. I also felt a little dizzy. I put my forehead against Zushi's shoulder, "you wanna go back home?" He asked and I nodded. He helped me up and we started to walk home. The sorority was on the same campus as our frat so it wasn't too far. I drove so I'll have to get the car tomorrow.

We got back and opened the door, there were a couple guys there who didn't go, "hey how's it going?''they asked. "It was ok, Killua had a little moment but it was ok," he said.

I walked over to them and we sat down and talked. "You should tell them about what happened." I looked at Zushi and then "I don't know, what if ya know he's not comfy with me telling?" I said "it's fine, don't worry" I looked at the guys.

"So, I am not straight, like at all, in fact I am gay, and today we were playing spin the bottle and who does it land on but of course Gon! And I kissed him, that's it," I said looking at Zushi who was about to say something but I gave him a look that said if you open your mouth I'm kicking you in the nuts.

"So after we smoked a little we came home." He said the other guys nodded. "It was this one's first time smoking so I think he's a little high." He sad with a laugh "we'll just know that we support you Killua, there's nothing wrong with liking the same gender, just take it a little easy,"'I nodded "thank you so much, you guys are like the best people I have ever met." I said tearing up.

"I've never been with people so accepting and I, I was not in a very good household growing up and I feel so safe here," I said as I wiped my tears. They all gave me a group hug,

"growing up in a non accepting household is really tough, it was a lot that happened at once, it was scary and unsafe, many times my dad just thought he could beat the gay out of me and would not leave me alone until I was a bloodily pulp, it was so scary, one time he even-Well that's a long story, what I'm getting at it being here and safe feels so much better, thanks guys!" I said, hugging them back.

I started to get tired and told them I was going to bed. I went to my room, I opened the door and there was kurapika and leorio going at it. I slammed the door again "SORRY!" I yelled. 'Man needs to tell me before he's going to be doing that!' I thought.

I walked back downstairs and to Zushi, "I can't go in my room," I said "why no-ohhhh" he said I nodded, "wanna stay in mine for a bit?" I nodded "If that's ok?" "Of course it is, let me take you there." He took me to his room, "my roommate is ikalgo so don't worry you guys seemed chill." I nodded

"Thank you so much Zushi," he nodded and I got into his bed, snuggling into the sheets 'god I haven't even slept in my bed yet' I thought before falling asleep.

I woke up the next morning. Zushi was nowhere to be seen, I went downstairs and saw most of the guys talking. I went over "good morning, Whats up?" I asked as they all looked at me, "nothing! How did you sleep?" I looked at all of them and they were looking at me weird as if I'm a nervous sort of manner.

"Umm..I'm ok,what's up? Why are you all staring at me? Anyone seen Zushi around?" I said "did you really kiss Gon?" One of them blurted out, I quickly felt a blush creep onto my cheeks and looked away "yeah, but it was because we played the spin of the bottle, how do you all know? Was it Zushi? Man that little- "no someone took a video and sent it around." One of the guys said.

"Oh fantastic!" I said "that's gonna look great," I mumbled. I walked away and back to my room, I walked in a kurapika was there "sorry again about walking in on you guys." I said "it's ok, sorry about that, again! I'll probably just start to go to leorio's room. Gon is alway out extremely late." I nodded and sighed.

He left to go get dinner. I heard a knock on the door. "Come in!" I said and Gon appeared. "Hi," I said awkwardly "Hey Killua, um can we pretend like nothing happened last night, just the stuff in the bathroom, I shouldn't have done that, your a lot younger than me and people are getting the wrong idea, like I forced you and stuff." I looked at him in disbelief.

"Wait, but I thought that- "I know but other people there I don't know are very gossipy and I just need this to stress me out when I have other work to do," he said, "ok, but I like you, what am I supposed to do, did you ever take my feelings into consideration?" I asked.

"I don't know,I- I guess I just did not expect that, my body just kinda went on auto-pilot" He said "but you have to admit there was a spark or something, I don't know but you can't just do that, you can't toy with someone's feelings that" I looked at him and he looked away,

"Why would you do that? I thought that you- you were the one who kissed me, none of this is my fault." I said he looked away, "I know, I just need so-he started "that's not fair Gon, you can't just-" "I just need to-" "you can't just-"Will You Stop Interrupting Me For 5 Seconds!" He yelled. I flinched and looked away, I felt so embarrassed and stupid.

I kinda cowered away from him and tried to keep the tears back but I couldn't. "Sorry," I said, wiping them "I'll stay away from you, I promise." I said wiping them before I went out of my room to the bathroom, I locked the door and started to sob. I covered my mouth with my hand trying to silence my sobs, when I heard a knock on the door.

"Hey umm you ok in there, some of the other guys were saying you were looking for me. I opened the door and he saw me. "Oh my what happened?" He said as he helped me to the floor seeing as I could not catch my breath.

He cradled me and held my shaking form, "just let it all out, it's ok, everything ok." He reached and grabbed a towel and wiped my snot. "Man you're a mess, what's Going on?" He said as I started to relax a little "I'm ok," I started as I calmed down. "Gon just yelled at me and it brought back some bad memories,I'm ok though," he nodded and hugged me.

"Just don't worry, just give Gon some time, he was probably just confused about his feelings, I'm sure that he just needs time. I mean you guys only met a few days ago but even I can tell you there's something there," I nodded.

"Just take a few days then talk to him again." I nodded "did you eat?" I nodded. "Ok good, let's get your face all cleaned up" he said, rinsing out the towel then wiping my face and my nose. "There you go, now let's go downstairs, maybe me and you and a couple of other guys can go out to the town and have some fun!" He said.

"Maybe telling you about my love life will make you feel better," he said as I laughed and nodded. "So believe it or not, I am engaged, but my beautiful boyfriend was drafted. I was so sad but I know he'll come back one day," he said as I looked at him with shock. "Woah! That's crazy, congratulations, I hope he's doing ok, does he write to you?" He nodded "yeah he Always writes the most adorable cheesy letters. I'm just excited for the day I can hold him again."

I respect Zushi so much, he's so strong and loyal. "We'll come ok, let's go get something to eat!"

I smiled and nodded.