Love in Limbo

Chapter Six

I arrive, back to the dark of Grams one story home, and I put the car into park. The glow of the street lights behind me fill the cars cab. I look into the rear-view mirror, and I am met with eyes that are raw from the tears shed between the facility and home. My guts are churning with anxiety and fear. I wipe my nose with my sleeve and turn the mirror away. I don't wish to see the panic reflected any longer. I search the cab for my bag and hike it onto my shoulder before exiting and heading for the door.

The house is too quiet, too dark, too everything. I drop my bag to the floor beside the door and turn on the light beside me. I am faced again with a floor length mirror and the tortured woman looking back at me. I remove my shoes and throw them into a pile. My brain is firing overtime, and I look like an animal caught in headlights every time I catch a glimpse of myself. I move to the kitchen and fill a glass of water from the fridge, and I sit down, only momentarily, before I remember the papers my Grams had suggested I read, ones that she had kept in her room. These papers were from the accident, and documented every last detail, of Cassidy and her friends. I take a large gulp of water to satisfy my body's attempt to replenish, after all the crying, for what felt hours. I dump the glass in the sink before heading down the hall to my Grams room. It is cloaked in darkness, and nearly empty of all of her personal possessions, except for the bed, which is covered in the handmade patch work quilt Gram's own mother had made. I sit down and gently pull the box out from under her bed.

My heart skips a beat when I see the head line of the first newspaper. 'Horror smash claims the lives of three teens as the town prepares for thanksgiving' and the one beneath that 'Milford's children laid to rest' and then beneath that 'Milford's golden girl Cassidy Colonel hangs on for a another week...family pray for a miracle'

I have to stop for a second then, because below the last headline as I unfold the paper, is a full size picture of Cassidy in her senior photo from high school. My fingertips tremble, as I follow the outline of her face, the smile that lights up a room, her eyes creased in the corners, and filled with happiness at this momentous moment in time. These were pictures you treasure for your entire life, senior pictures that sit on family's mantels and in friends year books. This is the picture, your senior photo, that your peers remember you by when you all move on in your lives, and here Cassidy's was, splashed on the front of the local newspaper, remembered for all the wrong reasons, and the face of this unimaginable tragedy. I turn the page and find the pictures of her friends who passed away. A tear makes a trail down my cheek, running into the fabric of my shirt. It felt heavy, far too heavy. I pushed the papers back under the bed and sat crossed legged on the floor. I leant my body back until I was lying down on the thick pile carpet, and I stared at the ceiling, wishing and hoping I was in some kind of nightmare. I took a sharp intake of breath, and held my hand over my mouth as if to suffocate the tears and sobs that were escaping, as visions of Cassidy in the crash came thick and fast, imagining the pain and the horror this town had suffered, her family and friends, and then Blair. It was like I was feeling the grief all at once, like I had taken it all in and swallowed it down until I was full and could no longer breathe.

I rolled onto my side, letting the tears run into the carpet, my lips fell open slightly as I stared into nothingness, wishing it to leave me. The grief had to leave me. I was consumed. As the next hour passed, I began to breathe slower, and at a calmer pace. I felt purged of it all, coming back down to some safe level of mental stability and clarity.

I thought to the moment in the facility, in Cassidy's room. I had never anticipated the kiss, or that she had felt that way towards me. I'm not sure if she even did herself, it seemed spontaneous and unexpected for us both, but that's not to say I didn't feel the energy change the moment she leant forward. I did, and I could still feel her there now. I placed my fingers to my lips and closed my eyes whilst the sensation came back to me. The softness of her lips, and the tender slip of her mouth into mine like we had done this before. Mmmm, the caress of her tongue as it ran over my bottom lip to meet mine, in a familiar intimate dance, a moment that was sweet, gentle and warm. In that moment I felt like the dream could go on forever. I would happily keep Cassidy Colonel company for eternity, in whatever this delusion was, or wherever it existed.