I Was First | Joshua Hong

Chapter 38

I've been always thinking about how there's a little to no chance of people somehow confessing to me, saying they like me, not as just a friend but something more than that.

Yet, at some point, in a field where it was just the two of us, Dokyeom suddenly confessed to me. Without any heads up, I was placed in a situation where I became wordless just because he uttered words friends don't usually talk about.

My heart raced in an unmeasurable speed, and I don't know how long has it been since it happened or if it did already happened in the first place. I wasn't entirely sure if I was flustered and somehow excited about it, or if I was just seriously surprised.

I've even come to think about answers to give him.

Should I apologize to him because I'm still confused?

Should I tell him how I truly feel?

Should I tell him that I like him too?

At that time, I really wanted to tell him something, anything, or whatever words in the dictionary just so I could fill the blanks. However, I ended up questioning myself instead.

Do I like him?

Is it really possible that if he tells me how he feels, I would come to realize how I do too? Some parts of my mind were telling me that I really do feel something for Dokyeom, but the latter, they were denying it, they held on to the fact that I still had feelings for another.

As far as I could probably remember, I still think that I like Joshua, I've always thought that I just can't like anybody unless it was him. But why am I contemplating? Why am I thinking that I like Dokyeom now?

I placed my elbow on my table and rested my chin on my palm. It has been more than an hour ever since I literally ran away and left Dokyeom at the field, and until now, thoughts about what unexpectedly happened still lingered in my mind and it appears so that it won't leave my mind for some long quality time.

I've haven't stopped thinking about him, all that he said and the way I left him there. I feel quite guilty leaving him there all by himself without any answer he can take, but I can't just tell him something without truly meaning it.

I feel like he meant everything he said, and it would be so evil and mean of me if I lie to him, let alone fake things.

"I know everything escalated a bit fast, abruptly and it might be hard to take in but I'll still wait for your answer..", he smiled, it was like any other smiles he gave me, but in a way, it felt a bit different now that feelings were told.

I tried to return his smile, I wanted to, but I became too focused about the thought that he confessed that he likes me when I thought that we really are just friends.

"DK—I..uh..", I wanted to say something at least, to lessen the pressure he probably has, and to go back to the previous atmosphere before it got into something like this.

"Whatever your answer may be, I will take it."

I bit the insides of my lower lip, looking down on the grass. I was so confused, I didn't know how to think things through for me to come up with an answer that will make things more easier.

I looked back up again and faced him. "W—What if.. what if I'll break your heart with the answer I'll give?"

"Will you?"

I was stuck between nodding and shaking my head to disagree. If I shook my head, it didn't feel like I was being true, but if I nod, won't it break his heart too soon?