I Was First | Joshua Hong

Chapter 40

If someone does something that could result to their relationship being different from how it used to, a person's natural response is to get mad. But for some reason I couldn't hate or get angry at Joshua.

It is true, he didn't talk to me for atleast a month. I thought I could possibly hate him for doing so, but I was more on the thought of wanting to hear his reasons and understand him.

Because that's what he did for me too. At that time when I had things worst, that time when I just wanted to kill myself because of the guilt that girl left me, he was there beside me. Even if I didn't ask him to do so, he did it voluntarily.

He accompanied me when I cried, when I sat quietly on the floor, even if I didn't bother saying a word to him, he was there somewhere close, he stayed by my side with the intention to listen and understand.

He did all that for me, and I reckon, why shouldn't I do the same? I'm sure he didn't choose to ignore without any reason.

"How have you been?", He asked, and at the exact same time, we looked at each other. It has only been a month or so since we last talked, but it already felt so foreign, even just by looking at him in a close distance.

Coincidentally, he had to buy something at the convenience store. Since I was finished with mine, he asked me if I could wait for him. Even so, I would probably still wait for him despite not being asked. He started talking to me again, I didn't want to loose my chance on knowing what his reason could be.

We were already walking along the streets on the way home, the lampposts that we walked past above us being the light through our way.

I smiled at him. "I've been doing good.", I replied, and I was about to ask him how he was doing too, but he dropped a question again.

"How are things going between you and Dokyeom? Is he treating you well?", His question didn't confuse me, but the context of his it did.

"What do you mean?"

"He confessed his feelings to you, right?", His eyebrows were raising slightly, and his smile, the way how his teeth were showing looked so soft.

"How..", I started, but I didn't want to hear what his answer was, even in the very first place, I somehow didn't want him to know that Dokyeom confessed to me. It felt like I was loosing my chance, and deep inside, I knew that it was in his part. "How did you know?"

"We're friends, remember? I should know whom he confesses to or whom he likes."

I didn't want to hear him saying the word 'like' from a guy with me in it. I didn't want to talk about the romantic things that happened on our own, because for some reason, I felt.. hurt. Something felt stinging in this thing inside my chest, and I'm afraid it was because I was starting to loose my chance on liking him.

Because he knows how things are going between Dokyeom and I, he knew Dokyeom confessed to me. And he completely accepts it, he could talk about it comfortably, he wants to talk about it with me, without feeling the same thing as I am feeling right now.

Perhaps it was just too dumb of me to think that even just by a little, he wouldn't see me as his bestfriend, but something more than that.

"I haven't answered him yet."

For a second, he seemed surprised. "Then how will you take things?"

"I still don't know.", I said the truth, I was still uncertain about what I'm going to do with my relationship with Dokyeom.

I've already said to myself that I do have feelings for Dokyeom, that I'm only looking for the right time to answer him, but talking to Joshua right now, why is my mind changing?