I Was First | Joshua Hong

Chapter 39

I nearly could talk to Joshua on times, but nearly isn't really approximate. If I try to get closer to him, he walks away or would pretend he didn't see me. I knew he was pretending, the look in his eyes, how he frowns, it was too obvious.

Many days had already passed and the way how distant everything between us became lasted until since.

I wanted to know whatever his reason was. I hope he made things clear before he acts all this. I feel guilty for some reason, I was anxious if ever I did something that lead to him becoming like this.

Yet what can I do, though it might not seem like it, but he's pushing me away.

I looked at Dokyeom who was walking beside me, perhaps I was trying to see and read through him too. As I was in doubt of asking him, the past days, I've been using my own insights, but unfortunately, all I could see was his smiling face or nothing at all.

"Why?", It must've took me awhile staring at his face. I diverted my eyes back to where we were heading, to the school building meters away from us.

"Have you been angry before?", I asked and I didn't bother looking at him anymore, it would be sort of weird if I did as i've already stared at him for who knows how long, and he might've found it weird earlier as well.

"Of course. I did.", He responded with a tone that as if he was stating the obvious. It's obvious alright, he's human after all.

I slightly smiled. "You seem so nice and all.. I feel like I won't believe that you do get mad unless I see it for myself.. you know to see is to believe."

He snickered, seemingly sounding as if what I said was hilarious. I tend my attention to him. "I'm just kidding.", I added, chuckling as I brought my attention back north.

Yet as I did, I could feel my smile subsiding by seeing Joshua in a distance that I could clearly see him. Seeing him again, looking at him right now, I realized how much I wanted to talk to him again and somewhat make up from whatever unknown quarrel we have at this moment.

His eyes somehow landed to my direction, I wasn't sure if I was the one he was looking at, I don't know if there were other people behind me whom he was truly looking at, but it really seemed to me that it was both of our eyes that were meeting.

I plastered a slight smile on my face, and I was hoping that he would atleast see it. I never really knew how eager I was to be in his company until now that all I could do was to look at him from a distance unless I would want to be left alone instantly again.

As he slowly looked down, one corner of his lips raised, must've been a smile but it surely didn't seem and appear like one. He started walking away, way more ahead than me and Dokyeom.

"While you..", I gradually faced Dokyeom when he started talking. "I don't think I have to ask whether you get angry or not."

I knew it was some sort of an insult, and he was about to snort or laugh or something but suppressed it when I began to speak, which for him was probably out of a sudden.

"Do you ignore people when you get mad?", I tried to make my voice flat and like casual, but it came out more like a bit of annoyed.

Dokyeom hesitantly shook his head. "I don't know. It depends.. why?"

I mentally shook the growing aggravation inside me away and briefly tried to compose myself because if ever I let my emotions take over me, the question i've been meaning to ask Joshua and Dokyeom might accidentally slip out of my mouth.

I breathed out, and then again gave him the smile that I make use of to cover the truth and the uncertain feelings I have.

"I'm just curious.", I answered, but he didn't seem convinced and instead have that asking 'really' look on his face.