I Was First | Joshua Hong

Chapter 41

Eversince I was in fourth grade, I've had a crush on my bestfriend. At that time of my life, almost all my classmates talked about how they like someone, who they have a crush on, because of it, I have come to question myself about it as well.

The first time I met and get to know her, I was thinking about how weird she was, she was somewhat out of the ordinary, and to be honest, she sometimes scare the life out of me.

While almost girls I know play with dolls, dollhouses and anything as long as it was pink, unlike them, she likes horror movies, ghosts, creepy voodoo dolls and any other things that relates to horror.

There was a time when I got to the point where I contemplated if I was still okay with being friends with her, because as a nine year old kid, horror movies and ghosts doesn't sit right with me, I would stay up until the dead of the night thinking about it.

She was weird, she doesn't sound exactly like the girls my classmates define as their crushes, but because I liked spending almost all my time with her, I have come to think that maybe I had a crush on her, perhaps I had my own definition of a crush and it was her.

"I bet Joshua has a crush on Tina.", One of my classmate said, looking at me with those teasing eyes, and to his few group of friends that were surrounding us, smiling proudly at them as if he was so sure about what he's saying.

"They said the same thing when our teacher asked to give names of animals.", another one of my classmate, the one beside who first brought up this conversation.

Most of them started agreeing that what they were assuming was right, teasing me while they were at it.

I shook my head, appearing chill as if I didn't care at all. "Nope. I like my bestfriend."

I easily told them about the secret that i've been keeping to myself for a few months now even though Hiah's class is just next to us. They looked surprised about it, they know that Hiah is my bestfriend, but I think they wouldn't have time to tell it to the other students and later on it will reach her.

They are too busy talking about their crushes, boasting about it for who knows why. I'm sure after we separate a few minutes from now, they will already forget it.

Until I reached eight grade, I still didn't tell her what exactly have I been feeling towards her. I'm not sure if it was because of the time that was passing by, or perhaps because we grew up, but she's getting more attractive by the day.

Yet like the old times, she still likes horror and everything about it, it even grew, she moved to the live actions and extra more scary ones. It's safe to say that I'm not afraid anymore when we watch together, but sometimes, maybe a little.

Everyday we spent together has been so much fun, our own little world was amazing and liking her was the best part.

We don't easily get into arguments since so chill with everything and I'm the one who always makes the choice. She doesn't complain, she's mean at times but I like that person of her as well, as years passed by and we aged, she has become matured in terms of thinking, but she can be childish as well when the time isn't off.

Life has been great, I was satisfied with almost everything, and she seemed happy, however, a few months after middle school could be over, she suffered because of trauma, she felt guilty for everything that happened because people told her so,  and not a single day passed by without her crying, it literally took a toll on her.

I wish I could take every sadness she was feeling because I felt like I could handle it more than she could, I never knew her heart was that weak, I thought she feared nothing, I thought nothing scares her, but unforeseen, before me was a weary and broken version of her.