I Was First | Joshua Hong

Chapter 46

Home was already close. And I really figured that even if I barely get inside, everything would be temporarily fine.

The thought of Joshua's parents coming over at our house completely disappeared from my memories, Lily told me about it and I've never hoped of her to lie for once.

I have even come to question myself if it was really real life, and getting welcomed through the front door with Joshua's parents already leaving left me freezing on my spot and on the verge of having an existential crisis.

I wished it was just any other day when I could talk to them without anything bothering my mind, yet standing infront of them at that very moment thinking about how I kissed their son, showing my face to them didn't feel right.

But nevertheless, there came the awkward greeting and bidding of farewells which I obliged myself to do. In spite of everything, I have even come to randomly think that Joshua and my getting some air which ended with something I never thought I could do, lasted for a whole meal and I'm sure, a few talks.

I don't even know if feeling fortunate was the right thing to feel when his parents already went home and it meant that he didn't have any reason to come over since it already ended. Well, it's not like I didn't want to welcome him at our house, but for a teensy bit, it was close to that.

I mean, people who shows their feelings through so many ways, or for instance, through a kiss, they would own up to it courageously, but I'm not people. It took me a lot of courage by even just pulling him close to me that I feel like I don't have any left.

I plopped my whole body on my bed as soon as I got inside my room, smashing my face on the pillow. I was trying my best to not think of anything and be able to sleep so I could wake up and gain back my sanity, yet the more I try to keep away a certain thought from running inside my mind, the more I could subconsciously think about it.

I found myself smiling for some reason, and my mentality was failing me, I just knew that it was because of him, and him alone with the kiss that I dragged him into. I couldn't even imagine kissing him before, but unexpectedly, without pre-planning anything, I did it, after asking myself what I truly wanted, I did it.

Yet realizing that I've been smiling long enough and remembering that I don't even know what he felt about it, I instantly forced myself to plaster a frown on my face.

I closed my eyes shut. "I'm high. I'm high. I'm not sane.", I reminded myself over and over. I seriously can't just smile to something I'm not certain that I should be smiling about.

Well, unless he actually feels the same way as I do, only then perhaps I can let this urge to feel all excited.

I was able to fall asleep before I could even make a ritual out of the minor smile that I did. And I actually hope that the small show of excitement that I did wouldn't be remembered as an embarrassing one, that is, if he wouldn't abandon me as someone who likes him neither as his friend.

It took me until noon to wake up, and jumping out of bed, my mind was empty, I would say that I could almost hear the crickets chirping, but I would be exaggerating if I do, so, uhm no.

I was scratching my eyes the whole time from ascending halfway the stairs all the way to the refrigerator, I had the purpose of getting water from there, yet I remembered that I shouldn't be drinking cold water first thing when I woke up, so without hating myself that much, I closed the door of the refrigerator.

However, as I did cleared the way and at the same time halting my hands from covering my eyes, there right before my sight stood someone who I wasn't ready seeing yet. And at my state where I just woke up; bed hair, I haven't washed my face yet, and I don't even want to get started with my breath.