It's a promise

Chapter 48

Rylee's POV

I sat in the car for a couple minutes to gather some strengths for the upcoming conversation. I was a coward. Not just the last few weeks but even before. I ran from the loss instead of facing it. I tried to forget everything instead of dealing with it. And now I was pushing away the man I loved so much. And for what? That I was still hurting?

I got out of the car and walked inside. I heard Steve in the bedroom. I walked up the stairs and opened the door. He stood there with his back towards me and took off his shirt. I stared at his back and his broad shoulders before he turned around. I guessed he heard me coming in.

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just walk in. I wanted to ask you if we could talk...' I looked at him.

'Yeah. I just came back from a run and need a shower first.' I nodded and left the bedroom. I walked downstairs into the kitchen and didn't know what to do. Maybe I should drink some of the Asgardian stuff myself so I would have the courage for that conversation. For a moment I really thought to drink a shot of the vodka I had in the fridge but even though the liquid courage would help, I needed to do that sober.

I sat down on the couch in the living room and waited until Steve came downstairs. He didn't need long and his hair was still wet. He took a seat on the other edge of the sofa and now he was the one who kept his distance. I hoped I wasn't too late.

He looked over at me and waited for me to start. He already opened up. He told me weeks ago that he loved me and he told me yesterday that he missed us. He was waiting for me to do the same and I should finally stop being so scared of what I was feeling towards him.

I thought about Steve and I and how we both met. I remembered how I was back then and realized that I acted nearly the same way I did before we started dating. I didn't let anybody in, I pushed people away and I stayed alone. Even though I said I wanted Steve to stay, I kept him at distance. I wanted nothing more than to be with him so I had to let down my guard. Pepper was right. This was Steve Rogers, the man who swept me off my feet and who showed me what love really was.

'I love you.' I didn't mean to say that. I wanted to explain why I was acting the way I did but I needed him to know how I felt towards him. His eyes went wide open in surprise but he didn't say anything. He expected a but. I love you, but... . But there wasn't a but. Not this time. Not anymore.

'I love you, Steve. I never stopped, not even when I thought you left. I was angry and hurt but how I was acting towards you wasn't fair. I'm sorry for how I treated you the way I did for the last month. You were right. I was pushing you away and at the same time I didn't let you go. It wasn't fair of me. I want to be with you. I really do.' I stood up to get to his side of the couch and sat down next to him.

'This time I hurt you and I'm sorry.' I put my hand on his and I told him everything. From the day he left, the time in Missouri and when I chose to leave everything behind. I told him about my first ultrasound and the breakdown that followed. That I started to have panic attacks and how I imagined him coming back until I gave up hope. How I cried myself into sleep and how I fought every day. That Charlie saved me before he was even born.

'I was just existing, not living. Then you came back and it was so much easier to stay away that I didn't realize how much I was hurting you. Hurting you was never my intention and I never thought that keeping distance would cause so much more pain.'

Steve listened to every word I said. He didn't interrupt me and I felt better telling him about all those months where I was alone. He cupped my cheeks with his big hands and came closer.

'May I kiss you?' I started to smile because I remembered the day in the woods and even the day in my apartment in Washington. I also remembered my answer but I just nodded because I was so caught up in his eyes.