Jester (Man x Man) ✔

16) e y e s

In so many stories there's this love that miraculously cures depression. That just by meeting the right person, all your troubles go away. In reality that's rarely the case. You could meet the most loving and caring person and fall head over heels for them, but your happiness — or the lack of it — isn't tied to that person. Having someone who cares about you is healing and an invaluable asset, but that alone isn't enough to cure you.

"He makes you happy, doesn't he?" Steven asked, a smile on his lips when he turned his gaze to admire the night view of their city with its thousand streetlights and neon signs. 

Being with Benjamin was the best thing that had happened in Eli's life in such a long time. He could barely believe how often genuine joy lit up his face and curved his lips into an affectionate smile. Sometimes, when he was walking home from Benjamin's, he could feel a new lightness in his steps.

The most wondrous thing was that the thought of falling for him didn't scare Eli like it used to. Being with Benjamin had a calming effect on his racing mind, the mere sight of him was enough to give Eli comfort and assurity.

The first month, or the first weeks, Eli had been over the moon. He had wondered if his depression had gone up in smoke, but that wasn't the case. In the nearly euphoric state of starting a relationship, in the astounding and somehow surreal first step in the process of falling in love, it had been easy to think depression didn't have a hold on him anymore. But once the euphoria was gone, the reality started to seep in.

Eli still hated his work at the convenience store, he still missed his family like hell and the garbage bags were still waiting for him when he came back home after spending a divine night at Benjamin's. It was still difficult to get up from bed some days and too often the heavy weight of nothingness still overpowered the happiness he was feeling.

"I think with him I'm as happy as I can be." Eli pondered, truthfully, and took another drag from his cigarette. Yet again, a smile tugged up the corners of his mouth.

"Good." Steven approved and wrapped his arm around Eli's shoulders. He took a long drag from his cigarette and added, looking so very serious: "Just so that you know, you're not as good at hiding it as you think you are."

"Hiding what?" Eli asked, keeping his voice light and doing his best not to show how the question made his heartbeat accelerate.

"You're my best friend, so don't think for a second I don't notice that pain in your eyes." Steven pointed out, tapping his cigarette and looking how the ash fell down towards the street far below.

"How drunk are you?" Eli teased.

"Drunk enough to tell you the truth. I love you, man, you know it. So hear me out, okay?" Seeing Steven so solemn felt strange, but Eli nodded and let him continue all the same. "Benjamin is good for you. He makes the smile reach your eyes, he makes your laughter less contrived, he makes you try new things. You have even started to drink less, and that must be his doings too."

Eli just stared at his friend, having this unfamiliar sensation of being seen. He had always thought he could keep it all hidden, that no one could see behind his armor. No one except Benjamin, but he had been different from the beginning. Yet now that he looked at Steven, he felt like Steven could see right through him. Like his eyes could peel off the layers of his armor, until there was nothing else left but the raw truth.

"I guess." Eli admitted. He had already finished his cigarette and he was rubbing his hands together, trying to warm them up. He really needed to consider buying a thicker jacket or even gloves, but a part of him enjoyed the chill. It made him feel more present, more alive. Besides, it wasn't like he could actually afford to buy either of those things. 

"And I'm saying this with love, but man, you have a tendency to fuck up every good thing that comes in your way. You deserve to have someone who really loves you and isn't going to leave you, so don't sabotage what you have with Benjamin because you think you don't. We all love you so fucking much. We've loved you since the time Logan brought you to meet us — don't laugh, I'm being serious." Steven paused, giving Eli, who had started grinning for whatever reason, a scolding gaze.

"So." Steven stressed. "I want you to let him in, get over yourself and give Benjamin a chance. A real chance." The smile was back on Steven's face when he stretched out his arms: "Now, give Steeeeven a hug!"

"You're impossible." Eli laughed and granted Steven a long, bone-crushing hug. 

When they walked back in the warmth of Benjamin's apartment, everyone's eyes were on them. The dark brown of Dam-Bi's eyes, the lighter brown of Shirley, Brandon and Ash's. The blue-gray of Jeremy Preston's, the gray of Miles'. Judith's pensive gaze behind her big glasses. There were eight pairs of eyes, all familiar to Eli, but it felt like he could only see one. The ravishing black, the one that was looking directly back at Eli, like they too could only find one pair of eyes worth looking for.

"Your hands are icy." Benjamin exclaimed, once Eli had sat next to him on the sofa and briefly held his hand to tell him yet again: I'm here with you. Benjamin took Eli's hands between his and started warming them up. That made Eli smile and filled his chest with warmth. 

It was difficult to believe how far they had become from the first time Benjamin held his hand in the hospital. How unfamiliar the caring, nonsexual gesture had been to Eli back then. How scared he had been just to spend the night or to be held like a beloved instead of a lover.

Of course Eli was going to give Benjamin a chance. A real chance.