Jester (Man x Man) ✔

33) s o r r i e s

The next morning, instead of feeling better, Eli couldn't get up from the bed. Even before he opened his eyes, he felt Benjamin's gaze on him. He could feel his arms around him, strong and warm. Eli tilted his chin up, looking back at Benjamin. His eyes were pensive and troubled. 

"Good morning." Benjamin whispered, lifting his hand and entwining his fingers in Eli's hair. Eli hummed in agreement, but didn't say anything. He let his eyes flutter shut again. "How are you feeling?" 

Eli could feel a lump in his throat and he swallowed, trying to keep his eyes dry. He didn't say anything for a long while and Benjamin didn't rush him, he just brushed his hair gently. 

"I should be feeling better now, but somehow I just feel worse." Eli sighed. "I'm sorry."

Benjamin shook his head and smiled warmly, as if to say there was no reason to apologize. Eli knew there probably wasn't, but a part of him wanted to keep repeating the words "I'm sorry". Because he was, more than anything. 

"Want to talk about it?"

"No." Eli muttered. "Sorry."

"Enough for the apologies." Benjamin scolded him, pulling Eli closer.

"Sor.." Eli let his voice trail off when he realized what he was about to say and hugged Benjamin back tightly. Benjamin trailed his forefinger along Eli's temple, down to his cheekbone and jawline, then coming to a halt on his lips. The look in his eyes was sad, yet full of wonder like he couldn't believe Eli was still there.

"I'll make us coffee." Benjamin promised then and pecked Eli's lips before getting up. Eli wanted to tell him not to bother, but he just mustered a smile on his lips. When Benjamin was gone, he stared at the ceiling and let out a heavy sigh.

There was comfort in not caring and knowing your life would soon come to an end. It was a sorrowful, abysmal comfort, but comfort all the same. It didn't matter, if your life was set on fire, because you didn't have to live in its ashes. Leaving was easy, for this very reason, and staying was where the real work began. Right then Eli wasn't sure if he had it in him, or where he would find the strength and courage to go through all that pain.

"Here we go." Benjamin set a tray on the bed in front of Eli. On it were two steaming cups of coffee, one black and one Caffè Mocha, two sliced oranges and two Mars bars. 

"Breakfast of the champions?" Eli couldn't help but smile at that. After everything they had been through, there was still that glint in Benjamin's eyes. That playful, exuberant look in his eyes, like anything was possible and every day was a new chance to do something great. Maybe that was where Eli would find the strength and courage: he didn't have to do it alone.

••••

The darkness felt heavy, smothering. It landed on Eli's chest and he could feel his breath hitch. He tried to inhale, but it didn't fill his lungs. He tried to move, but he couldn't. His body felt weird and alien, like it belonged to someone else. Eli tried to struggle free, to kick with his legs and claw with his fingernails.

"Shh, Eli, it's just a dream." The voice sounded distantly familiar, but Eli wasn't sure where from. He writhed even more, in panic — not again, not again, no, no, no — and started sobbing desperately.

"Eli, it's me. Wake up." When Eli opened his eyes, the darkness was gone and he gasped for air now that he could breathe again. It took a while before he realized he was the one the loud, wailing sobs were coming from. His body was shaking violently and he was panting.

"It was just a dream, you're safe." Benjamin murmured. The reason Eli couldn't move was because Benjamin's arms were holding him in his embrace. Eli could feel Benjamin's heart throbbing through the fabric of his shirt. His dark eyes were wide and startled.

"I'm sorry." Eli choked when he saw red claw marks on Benjamin's neck, right above his collarbone. The skin wasn't broken, but it didn't make Eli feel much better. He had hurt Benjamin. 

"Shh, it's okay." Benjamin kissed Eli's forehead and stroked Eli's back soothingly, until the nightmare began to fade and Eli fell back asleep.

••••

The room was bathing in sunshine, like a promise that the long and gloomy days of winter were about to come to an end. Eli pulled the blanket to cover his eyes and groaned when Benjamin tried to steal it away from him.

"Come on, Eli. You'll be late from work." Benjamin pointed out with a hint of impatience in his tone.

"About that.." Eli tossed the blanket off his face. "It's possible that I kind of got fired."

"What?" Benjamin exclaimed, gaping at Eli like he thought he had lost his mind. Although he didn't get angry, he was determined not to leave Eli alone for the day. After a while he walked back into the bedroom and told Eli: "I have to go to the office today, but I might get to work from home, if I just —"

"But you love it there." Eli rushed to object. Benjamin slumped to sit on the bed next to him and held his hands.

"Yes, I do, but I love you more." He emphasized and then held out his hand: "Now, give me your phone. I'll ask Steven to watch over you."

••••

Have any of you missed Steven? I have, because he's one of my favorite characters in this story. :D Although I had planned to make him completely different when I started writing this, I kind of like this version of him more.

Anyhow, I'll stop rambling now. I might not update for some days, because I've got a lot to do (and read).