Jester (Man x Man) ✔

14) i m p r o v e m e n t s

Benjamin wrote about a deep and ceaseless emptiness, a void that kept growing until everything else was gone. He wrote about pain he couldn't quite comprehend, no matter how much he tried. Benjamin wrote about longing, the loss of a loved one, even though he had never really felt that way.

He had no memories of his parents, who had died when he had still been just a baby. He had seen pictures of them and he had heard stories about the accident, but that was all he had left of them.

Benjamin had his father's eyes, so black you couldn't tell the difference between his irises and pupils. The raven black hair was also from his dad and the fair skin from his mother.

Benjamin mourned for his parents and the lost opportunity to get to know them, but he had never truly felt the pain of losing them. He didn't feel like he was missing out on something in his life. 

Maybe Benjamin was deceiving his readers by writing about pain he hadn't truly felt, but it was his way to make sense of the world Eli was living in. It was his way to try to understand what had happened that night and why, and what that meant to the both of them.

"What does depression feel like? It's when no music sounds good enough, no movie feels worth watching, no book worth reading, but knowing it has nothing to do with the music, the movies or the books. It's desperately wanting to fill a void, the black emptiness in your chest, but no matter what you do, it's still there and it keeps growing. 

It's wanting to stay in bed, because there's nothing to get up for. It's sleeping too much and still being tired, or not sleeping at all. It's pushing people away, when you feel like you don't deserve them. It's feeling so utterly alone. So utterly worthless. So meaningless. It's feeling so empty, an echoing void of nothingness. It's being just a shell of what you used to be and feeling like you will never be that person again."

Benjamin turned his gaze from the laptop he was holding on his lap to look at the person sleeping next to him. Eli looked so peaceful with his eyes closed and arms folded to his chest when he was laying on the sofa on his side. Benjamin had paused the series they were watching after Eli fell asleep, but instead of going to bed he had felt like writing a few lines.

Yet for Benjamin a few lines rarely ended up meaning just a few lines. He should have been fast asleep, just like Eli, but instead he kept typing word after a word.

"Did I fall asleep?" Eli mumbled drowsily while rubbing his eyes with one hand and using the other to support himself when he sat up. "It's 3 am, why are you still up?"

"I felt like writing." Benjamin flashed Eli a smile and glanced at the screen again.

"Well, now you're done and you'll come to sleep with me." Eli murmured. 

"I will, soon.." Benjamin promised. Eli leaned closer and slipped his hand on the back of Benjamin's neck. His fingertips brushed the skin right below his hairline and tardily moved to his chin. Eli pulled Benjamin to a kiss while he wrapped his other hand around Benjamin's waist.

"I'm here now." Eli whispered in between the kisses, making Benjamin forget all about the computer. "And I want you to be here with me."

"Just to sleep?" Benjamin breathed shakily. Eli had him wrapped around his finger, now even more than before. Just one kiss was enough to sweep him off his feet, one glance of his hazel eyes could make Benjamin's heart flutter. 

"That's up to you." Eli smiled innocently, his hand still on Benjamin's jaw. 

"I'm done writing." Benjamin announced and shut the laptop in one swift movement. He placed the computer on the coffee table and stood up while reaching his hand to Eli. "What are you waiting for?"

••••

"I want you to meet someone." When Benjamin said those words, he was holding his breath. Just like every other time he suggested something that Eli could consider as moving too fast, he was so nervous it tied his stomach in knots.

"Who?" Eli hesitated. He wasn't wearing gloves when he lit his cigarette and the coldness had stiffened his fingers making the task more difficult.

"My grandparents." Benjamin blurted out and before Eli could say no, he started rambling: "I know how it sounds and I know it's probably too fast, but they're chill. They're good people and I really think you should meet them. Especially when you don't.."

Benjamin didn't finish his sentence. Instead he turned his gaze quickly, fearing he had just overstepped his boundaries. They didn't talk about Eli's family and Benjamin was being cautious around the topic. He believed Eli would talk about his family once he felt ready to do it, just like Benjamin would talk about Oliver when the time was right.

"I hope they're not afraid of tattooed thugs." Eli laughed behind a cloud of gray smoke.

"They're not. So.. is that a yes?" Benjamin started smiling. 

••••

Just like that it was all settled. Eli seemed a little resitent when he was waiting at the door next to Benjamin. It was a fancy row house near downtown. Benjamin had been there countless times and behind that door was his one and only childhood home.

"When I was still a baby, there was a car accident and both my parents died at the scene. I never got to know them, but I grew up here with my grandparents. They're the best people I've ever met in my life." Benjamin explained, keeping his gaze on the door. He wanted to tell Eli that he had brought him here to bring together all the best people in his life, but he didn't want to scare Eli off by getting ahead of himself.

After all, it was only a month since they had decided not to make any plans. And whereas Eli was building his trust and learning to let Benjamin closer, he was still terrified of doing so. He still got scared easily and every time that happened, his instinct was to push Benjamin away. It was a slow process and Benjamin needed to stay patient. Which, by the way, wasn't his strongest suit.

Eli had just opened his mouth to say something when the door opened. Behind it stood a short woman who had curly graying hair and an affable expression on her round face. She didn't hesitate for a second before pulling Benjamin in a tight hug.

"Hi, gran." Benjamin breathed and hugged her back. When they retreated from the hug, he turned to look at Eli. "This is Eli, he's someone I care about a lot, and this is Diane, my grandma."

"Nice to meet you, Diane." Eli greeted her.

"Gracious! Aren't you cold?" Diane wondered and embraced Eli as well. Benjamin had to bite back a chuckle when he saw the shocked expression on Eli's face.

"A bit, yeah." Eli laughed and hugged her back. Then they were already guided into the warmth of the hallway. 

Benjamin could remember all the paintings on the walls and the antique furniture with his eyes closed, but he liked seeing the wonder in Eli's gaze when he took in every detail. Benjamin hadn't taken anyone there after Oliver, because it was a part of him he wanted to shelter and only share with the people he trusted the most.

"Greg, come here this very second!" Diane shouted after she had shut the door. Eli flinched, but Benjamin was only grinning. That was so typical Diane. 

Soon an older man whose salt and pepper hair was short and all mixed up appeared from the living room. He was tall and his eyes were as black as Benjamin's.

"Well, isn't it Benjamin." The man, Greg, exhilarated and pulled Benjamin in a bear hug. Only then he seemed to notice Eli standing next to them. "And who do we have here? A friend?"

"Don't be an old fart, they're obviously doing the thing." Diane scolded him with a sweet smile. 

"Doing the thing?" Greg knitted his eyebrows, looking as confused as ever.

"Phew, let them talk." Diane sighed exaggeratedly and then placed her hand on Eli's back. "Lend me a hand with the cookies, honey."

Eli glanced over his shoulder, giving Benjamin a confused look. Benjamin just smiled at him apologetically. That, too, was so typical of Diane.