Jester (Man x Man) ✔

29) f l a s h b a c k s

Everything was going smoothly for a couple of hours and Eli was even jazzed up by seeing his friends after a long while. He gulped down the first drink like it was soda, but after the second one his mood started to alter.

Or maybe it was the environment. It felt like his friends were somehow receding, even if they kept talking and sitting there with him. Maybe it was him, who was receding, but no one seemed to notice how he was slowly fading further and further away from them. 

"It'll help you relax." 

Eli blinked his eyes, hoping it would somehow keep away the images that kept pulling him under, away from the current, and jarred time. If he listened to his friends, trying to really hear them, he could anchor himself in their company. But then it would warp and stretch again by the pull of the memories. 

FAB used to be his safe haven, a place he couldn't wait to come back to. But it didn't feel safe now. It was a crowded dance floor one minute and empty in another, it was locked doors, betrayals and ugly secrets hiding in its shadows. It made Eli sick, like its poison could somehow seep in through his skin. 

"Eli?" Benjamin's hand felt warm against his cheek. "Are you okay?" 

"What is this?" 

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine." Eli smiled, blinking the memories away again. 

"Shh, it'll all be over soon." 

"No.." Eli whispered, not realizing he had said it out loud. Benjamin glanced at him, his eyebrows lifted, as if to ask: did you say something? 

"I'll get us another round." Eli plastered a smile on his lips, got up and walked to the bar counter. He was feeling sick to his stomach to be there. He glanced at the table Logan was sitting at, talking to some man in his mid-fifties. Their eyes met and Eli felt like he couldn't breathe. 

"Talk to him, keep him company. Make him feel like you're interested. I just need him in good spirits so that he'll grant me a deal. That's all." 

Eli ordered the drinks, his hands shaking so badly he could barely get the money from his wallet. He could still feel Logan's eyes on him. 

"He's a nice man, trustworthy." 

It was getting harder to tell which point of time was the current one, which one to go for. Eli had to lean his hands on the bar counter and he hung his head, when he tried to calm his racing heart and keep his body from shaking. 

"I won't let anything bad happen to you." 

"Maybe you should sit down a bit." Eli couldn't look up at the owner of the voice. He couldn't, because at that moment he wanted to strangle him with his bare hands, to beat him breathless. He wanted to yell: look what you did to me.

"You have no right to talk to me." Eli snarled, straightening himself and grabbing the drinks. "We're not friends. Not anymore." 

Maybe it was never friendship. Maybe Eli was just a means to an end, something to use up and throw away when keeping him was no longer profitable. Maybe Logan saved him from the streets, because he was useful: young and easy on the eye. Maybe he never cared at all.

"Elijah." Logan tried to touch his shoulder, to keep him from walking away. Don't. Just don't, Eli thought, feeling a lump in his throat. 

When Eli sat back at the table, he made sure the smile was back on his lips and handed Benjamin his drink. He watched how Benjamin brought the glass to his lips and then chuckled at something Shirley said. He seemed happier again, and Eli knew it was wrong to lie to him. Still he could always only get as far as opening his mouth to notice nothing would come out. Eli wanted to tell him the truth, more than anything. 

The evening went on. Eli didn't drink much, knowing that it was either FAB or the alcohol that was making the pull of the memories grow stronger. After he had made his decision, he immediately felt at ease: he wouldn't have to lie anymore, he wouldn't have to carry it alone. He had to tell Benjamin the truth. 

"Didn't you say Eli is a terrible lay?" Eli wasn't sure how they had gotten to that topic or why Brandon had made that question, but he could feel Benjamin tensing up next to him. 

"I didn't say he was terrible, it was just freaking awkward." Steven laughed, making the others chuckle as well. Benjamin wasn't laughing though, instead he was clenching his jaw. 

"Is there anyone you haven't fucked?" He snapped at Eli, making the laughter die down. Eli gulped, turning to look at him.

"Well, it was years ago.." Steven hurried to explain.

Out of all things possible, Eli could taste whiskey in his mouth. He could almost feel how it burned in his throat when he swallowed. He could hear the glass breaking when it slipped from his fingers to the floor. He could feel the numbness spreading, corroding his body until his legs gave away under him. 

Eli sat glued to his spot, letting his eyes flutter shut. He couldn't breathe. His hands started to shake. He knew he deserved it all for fucking around. He deserved it all. He deserved it all. He.. Benjamin was talking to him, but the words made no sense. Eli cringed away when he tried to touch his arm. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, and it was even harder to breathe.

It was pointless to pretend Benjamin could ever forgive him, not from this or the fact he had been lying about something he knew would break his heart. There were always going to be stabs like this, it would always come up when they fought. And Eli wasn't sure if he could keep torturing himself like that, not even for Benjamin.