Jester (Man x Man) ✔

27) p a n c a k e s

The first thing Eli noticed when he opened his eyes was that Benjamin had slept with him on the floor again. He wanted to tell Benjamin he didn't have to suffer from the inconvenient sleeping circumstances, but it would have sounded ridiculous when he was the reason they weren't sleeping in bed.

The second thing was that it was still dark outside. Eli rubbed his eyes, sitting up tardily. His body was tense and sore from sleeping on the floor, but he was starting to get used to it. His hair was greasy and he was in desperate need of shower, so he took one and prayed the neighbors wouldn't complain about the noise. He changed into one of Benjamin's t-shirts and a pair of black jeans.

Eli was feeling perky, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt that way. He wanted to do something for Benjamin, now that he for once had energy for it. They needed more good memories, they needed something to remind them life wasn't all bad. That was the least Eli could do, to try to give Benjamin even one reason to smile. 

After a quick glance through the cupboards and the fridge, he decided it was a perfect day for pancakes. Eli was a decent cook and he could bake, he just hadn't done either of those in such a long time. It wasn't like he didn't enjoy it, he just rarely had enough energy or motivation to do so.

While he made the batter, he listened to music from his earbuds. Upbeat and happy songs instead of the sad ones. He was so immersed in his own worlds that he didn't even notice how Benjamin tiptoed to the kitchen.

"What is this?" He asked, a delighted grin spreading on his lips. His raven black hair was all ruffled up and his clothes wrinkled from sleeping.

"Good morning, sleepy head." Eli murmured and exaggeratedly flipped over a pancake, earning an even wider grin from Benjamin. "This is going to be your breakfast, obviously."

"Oh, okay. I could get used to this." Benjamin wrapped his arms around Eli's waist from behind and rested his chin on his shoulder. 

Apart from sleeping next to each other and hugging while Eli was having a minor nervous breakdown, they hadn't been intimate after that night. It had been weeks since Benjamin had embraced Eli like that last time, but somehow it felt completely natural he was going so now.

"I didn't know you could bake." Benjamin pointed out. Eli could hear from his voice that he was smiling.

"A little." Eli flipped over another golden brown pancake, smirking proudly. "Logan's ex, Zack, made pancakes all the time and he teached me all the tricks." 

Ever since dreaming about the house, Eli had thought back those times a lot. He missed the hopeful feeling he had had there, the time before the longing for his family took the form of depression. Eli wasn't sure if he had ever been particularly happy, even as a child, but the first signs of depression he had gotten only after Zack was gone and he had to move away from their house.

It happened gradually, almost without notice. Eli hadn't felt like seeing his friends after the shift at the convenience store. There had been this growing weariness that didn't go away no matter how much he slept. More and more every passing day he had felt like there was something wrong with him, when even his parents couldn't love him as he was. 

Then came a time when all he wanted to do was sleep and he didn't feel sad anymore. He was numb, drained from all emotions. He didn't even care about his friends, which he took as an affirmation of him being a bad person and that there indeed was something wrong with him. He continued seeing his friends, drinking and smoking, but afterwards he always felt drained.

Eli could spent days laying in his bed staring at the ceiling and thinking about suicide. He thought and thought about it. At first it had been just a thought and he had known he wouldn't actually do anything, but over time that had changed as well. The thought of ending it all had felt comforting to him. 

Then he had tried and he had failed, thanks to Benjamin. At that very moment, when Benjamin was embracing him like that, Eli was grateful for it for the first time. If he had succeeded then, he would never have gotten to know Benjamin like he did now. 

"What was he like?" Benjamin murmured, still resting his chin on Eli's shoulder. 

"He was the kindest person I've ever met. He always made me feel like I was part of the family, and I always looked up to him." Eli could feel a wistful smile turning up the corners of his mouth. 

"It sounds like you really miss him." Benjamin hugged Eli a little tighter.

"Sometimes." Eli admitted as he flipped over the last pancake. "What do you want with your pancakes?"

"Let's see what we have here." Benjamin pecked Eli's cheek before he started opening the cupboards and the fridge. "We have strawberries, raspberries and.. maple syrup?"

"That's fine by me." They prepared the rest of the breakfast together. 

It was a lovely morning, filled with smiles and occasional laughter. Eli couldn't remember the last time he had laughed like that either. It filled his chest with warmth to see Benjamin looking at him like he used to.

"Eli." Benjamin's expression turned serious and he hesitated for a moment before cautiously suggesting: "I was thinking.. Maybe we should book an appointment with that physician again."

"Why?" Eli frowned, trying not to show too much from his face.

"I'm worried about you. You're having nightmares, you barely eat — and you sleep on the floor. Maybe seeing someone would help." Benjamin explained. 

Eli reached for Benjamin's hand over the table and smiled at him reassuringly: "I fucked up, I'm supposed to feel bad about it. But really, I'm fine. I can manage. It's you we should be worrying about."

"Well, I would feel a lot better, if you saw the physician again." Benjamin sighed.

"Fine, I'll ask if he has time to see me." Eli gave in.

"Thank you." Benjamin's voice was filled with relief. "There's something else I've been meaning to ask as well: what did you tell Steven about that night?"

"The same I told you. Why?" Eli knitted his eyebrows, but he didn't let go of Benjamin's hand.

"Because I think there's something you're not telling me, and that that something is what's making you hurt so bad." Benjamin pressed.

"No, I already told you the truth." 

Benjamin locked his gaze with Eli's and the words came out almost like a prayer: "I need you to tell me what really happened that night, Eli."